Mark Siano

Mark Siano Live at The Triple Door (next show March 15-17)

2011-12-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

To Savor Tomorrow - Opens Oct 28th with Cafe Nordo

2011-10-21T12:34:00.000-07:00

Set aboard a Pan Am 707 headed for the Seattle World's Fair of 1962, this spy comedy will delight audiences with it's fanciful flight of cocktails, delicious artisan dishes, and hilarious performances from some of Seattle's top talent.

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/201222 for tix

THE HABIT Sept 9- 19 Seattle Public Theatre at Greenlake Bathhouse

2011-08-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

Descending upon Greenlake like a thundering herd of Valkyrie, THE HABIT look to destroy their hometown once more with an all new show of Sketch Comedy, their first in Seattle in a decade.

Seattle, WA – August 16, 2011 –Returning to Seattle after performing in New York, Montreal, Los Angeles, and Chicago, THE HABIT are back to prove they can still tear down the house with laughter wielding their unique brand of fast paced Sketch Comedy. An audience favorite and critical darling, THE HABIT amassed a devout following and a scrap book of rave reviews that would make a grandmother weep tears of joy. Their all new show finds delicious nuggets of comedy in between the cushions of pop culture on the absurd couch of modern life.

THE HABIT
Bathhouse Theatre on Greenlake
September 9-17 - Fridays at 8pm, Saturdays at 8pm and 10:30
Tickets: 1-800-838-3006 www.thehabitcomedy.com

The Bathhouse Theatre on Greenlake
7312 W Green Lake Dr N
Seattle, WA 98103-4816

Written and Performed by: The Habit
The Habit: John Osebold, Mark Siano, David Swidler, Luke Thayer, Jeff
Schell, Ryan Dobosh, Austin Elston
Producer: Mark Siano (Marxiano Productions)
Stage Manager: Austin Elston
Designer: Jeff Schell
Contributing Writer: Tommy Smith
Photography: John Cornicello
2nd Photographer/Backstage: Ryan Dobosh

“Really f**king funny… Go. You won’t regret it.”
-The Stranger

"The boys of The Habit have a reputation for hitting comic home runs."
-The Seattle Weekly

"One of the liveliest sketch-comedy teams to emerge from Seattle"
-Seattle Times

“One of the Emerald City’s top comedy troupes.”
-Time Out New York

“A+…As good as anything on television.”
-Uptown Winnipeg

THE HABIT does there first Seattle show in 10 years

2011-08-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

THE HABIT IS BACK! Sept 9-19

MODERN LUV at The Triple Door

2011-02-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

http://url4t.com/wxE

MODERN LUV…it's complicated

Mark Siano & friends are about to get all up in your inbox with their new Triple Door show MODERN LUV

Seattle, WA – February 1, 2011 –Seattle comedian and cabaret crooner Mark Siano presents his new song and dance spectacular MODERN LUV, a comedy that aims its satirical arrow at romance in the facebook-texting-email era. After consistently selling out the Triple Door with his critically acclaimed Soft Rock shows, Siano and friends return with a hilarious show that everyone will "like" be able to "follow" and totally relate 2 while they lol and lmao. Featuring a great cast of dancers, comedians, and Siano's 7 piece backing band The Enablers, this show will be a can't miss event.

Siano joins forces with his co-star Opal Peachey (from Cafe Nordo's sell-out hit Sauced) as the two try to find true love in the middle of today's tangled web of technology. Featuring original music by Siano including I'm Not The Girl I Am Online, along with crowd favorites Up In Your Inbox and Leave Your Phone Alone; Mark Siano and The Enablers are sure to rock the house as they welcome old favorites Joanna Hardie and Rick Miller to get on the mic and tear the roof off the Triple Door. Assembling a sexy cast of some of Seattle's top dance talent, Siano calls on the Modern Luv Dancers to do the only thing you can when times get rough- dance your ass off in a Sparkletard! Mark's buddies from The Habit (David Swidler, Luke Thayer, and Seattle favorite Ray Tagavilla) will be there as well to lay down the funny with searing parodies and sketch comedy mocking anything and everything about MODERN LUV. With a proven track record of critically acclaimed and sell out crowd favorites, Siano and friends are on a roll, and this is their funniest show to date.

MODERN LUV
TRIPLE DOOR MAINSTAGE
Feb 18, 19 Friday and Saturday 7:30 (all ages) and 10:30 (21+)
Ticket Office 206-838-4333
www.tripledoor.com

The Triple Door
215 Union St
Seattle WA 98101

Director / Producer: Mark Siano
Musical Director: John Kranz
Assistant Director: Jeanne Lee
Special Guests: Opal Peachey, Rick Miller, David Swidler, Luke Thayer, Joanna Hardie, Ray Tagavilla
Written by: Mark Siano and Jeanne Lee with contributions from the cast.
Original Music: Mark Siano
The Enablers: John Kranz (keys), Kathy Moore (guitar), Troy Lund (drums), Lawrence Leggett (bass), Eric Padget (horns), Skinny Lynn Cook (horns), Brian Kinyon (backing vocals), Ariel Glassman (backing vox), Lindsay Corbett (backing vox), Amanda Lee Williams (backing vox), Steven Dever (backing vox)
The Modern Luv Dancers: Hailey Hays, Hillary Mencke, Gabriella Cook, Kimberly Durham, Andrew Murray, and Thaddeus Wilson
Photography: Stephen Vest, Victoria VanBruinisse

Mark Siano Productions is an Associate Program of Shunpike

High-Res images available upon request or available for download on Facebook http://on.fb.me/gM2Qkq

Media Contact:
Mark Siano
206-898-3644
marxiano@gmail.com

http://url4t.com/wxE Triple Door Link
http://url4t.com/pk3 Facebook Page Link

Modern Luv

2011-01-24T23:46:00.000-08:00

Shaken Not Stirred- Featuring Mark Siano

2010-03-10T21:40:00.001-08:00

My latest is in The Pampas Room at El Gaucho, opens March 27th

Seattle Times write up of Mark Siano and the Freedom Dancers

2010-02-17T07:49:00.000-08:00

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/thearts/2011096455_siano17.html

Mark Siano's '80s music-and-dance homage at ACT

Seattle's Mark Siano and the Freedom Dancers rock softly for the last time.

Mark Siano and his troupe serve up a tongue-in-cheek '80s homage.

'The Soft Rock Kid'

Break out the roller skates, bring on the Freddie Mercury unitard and get ready for some song-and-dance mayhem best described as Cheez-Whizardry.

Mark Siano, with the energetic assistance of the Freedom Dancers ("five beautiful women and one buff gay dude"), are back for one last gig before Siano tests the waters with a new dinner-theater show at El Gaucho starting in late March.

In the meantime he's serving up a greatest-hits show, "The Soft Rock Kid." This "Karate Kid" parody tells the story of how Siano and his Gang of Six "went from zeroes to heroes in three short years."

Expect old Siano classics like "Lady Heart" ("I've got to touch your lady heart / Before I touch your lady parts"), along with some new tunes and a perfectly sincere Patrick Swayze/"Dirty Dancing" tribute.

Siano & Co. will perform with a live band. 8 p.m. Fridays, 8 and 10:30 p.m. Saturdays through Feb. 27, ACT's Falls Theatre, 700 Union St., Seattle; $20 (206-292-7676 or www.acttheatre.org).

Michael Upchurch, Seattle Times arts writer

Shunpike- Donate to Mark Siano Productions

2010-01-28T14:57:00.000-08:00

DONATE MARK SIANO PRODUCTIONS IN NOW A LEGIT NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION!

If you'd like to make a tax deductible donation, it'll buy some really cool costumes!

The Soft Rock Kid at ACT Feb 19-27 Mark Siano and The Freedom Dancers

2010-01-16T14:53:00.001-08:00

Final Soft Rock show in Seattle, don't miss it.

My Patrick Swayze Article for Sun Break

2009-09-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

The temptation to make jokes about Patrick Swayze's passing is strong. I understand this instinct, his legacy is burned into the minds of generations of moviegoers. I will pass on these silly puns about "corners" and "the wind," because although his association with iconic ironic '80s nostalgia and cheesy one-liners may damn him to good-hearted ridicule, we all know that he was something greater--Swayze was the most talented movie star of our lifetime and a man who forever transformed our culture.

Not since Gene Kelly has one man destroyed a nation with charisma and charm, but also with a gift for song and a unwavering devotion to dance. There aren't many men in the movie star stratosphere who can claim the triple threat title, sure there was always John Travolta, a terrifically multi-talented performer. But forgive me Mr. Travolta, you are no Swayze.

Gene Kelly believed that the only hope for the American Movie Musical was Swayze. Late in his life he passed the baton on to a Swayze in hopes that he could revive the dying American art form. Swayze was never successful in resurrecting the Rodgers-and-Hammerstein-style musical, it was a bygone era that had as much hope in returning to prominence as the Western. Swayze's success in cinema achieved an even higher goal, and what he did for American culture as a whole far surpasses what Gene Kelly had intended. He handed us a gift so great, that it lives on today and for decades to come.

Swayze made it cool to dance again.

Sure people were still bopping and grinding around dance floors. But I'm talking about dancing . Grab your partner, spin her around, lift her up, hold her close and don't you dare let her go, especially if she's above your head eight feet in the air. Swayze brought back an art that had nearly vanished and introduced a whole generation to couples dancing.

He did it by achieving what had seemed impossible in a culture of naysayers--he made dancing look masculine. The art of dance for men had lost its luster, men were chided for dancing for being "girly" or "gay." Women and gay men have always been comfortable with learning to dance, but straight men couldn't seem to come to terms with it. Somehow Swayze could pull off a step-ball-change-high-kick-back-step-triple-pirouette and still look like he was about to kick your ass after brushing the beautiful hair from his face.

Siano displays his Swazye-inspired moves with fellow dancer Laura DiMarco (photo by Victoria VanBruinisse)

Without Swayze you wouldn't see the massive return of ballroom dancing that we enjoy today. And male performers aren't afraid to show off some serious dance moves from fear of being labeled a ninny. Justin Timberlake is a rock-star-sex-god when he dances , Hugh Jackman's dance moves are turning him into a modern day Casanova, and huge droves of young men are packing dance halls and classrooms all in an attempt to prove they are strong, stylish, and masculine.

Now, every girl likes a boy who can dance. Especially if he looks like he might be a bit of a bad-ass underneath with a heart of gold. Dancing is cool again, everyone! Now pay homage to the man who made it possible. Thank you Swayze, the world is a better place having known you. I'm off to work on my triple pirouette.

Mark Siano performs his new comedy cabaret "Back to the Soft Rock" October 9 and 10 at The Triple Door (info/tix). Should you wish to see Swayze's on-screen magic, Central Cinema is presenting Dirty Dancing (though tonight) and Roadhouse (through Thursday). Here's their schedule.

BACK TO THE SOFT ROCK- OCT. 9, 10 The Triple Door, Mark Siano and The Freedom Dancers

2009-08-30T22:53:00.000-07:00

The new poster for the new show.

Rock Softly Carry a Big Shtick

2009-03-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

By Michael Upchurch

Seattle Times arts writer

"You guys ready to rock ... softly?"

That question came from singer-dancer-comedian Mark Siano at a jampacked gig at Seattle's Triple Door nightclub in January.

And the answer, apparently, is: Yes, Seattle is ready.

Siano and his six accomplices, the Freedom Dancers ("five beautiful women and one buff gay dude"), have acquired a feverish cult following around town over the past two years with their cheesy dance routines, their even cheesier costume changes and Siano's mocking yet impassioned interpretations of AM radio hits of the 1980s and '90s.

The troupe also has two Bollywood numbers in its repertoire ("the soft rock of the East"), along with several Siano originals: the Kama Sutra-inspired "We Did It Like This, We Did It Like That," the keyboard ballad "Lady Heart" ("I've got to touch your lady heart / Before I touch your lady parts") and a glorious paean to the complications of media-age romantic communication, "Up in Your Inbox."

The 32-year-old Siano is, in short, a very funny guy who, with a little help from his friends, has been reducing Seattle to giggles since the mid-1990s.

Some locals will know him from The Habit, a sketch-comedy troupe as sharp and gifted as they come. Others may have encountered his one-man show, "Pinko Holiday," about his trip to the Beijing Olympics, where he managed to display a political protest sign in the women's basketball arena.

Lately, Siano has curated and hosted a series of Seattle cabarets. The latest, "The Clandestine Cabaret," happens next Friday and Saturday at The Little Theater on Capitol Hill. In the meantime Siano and the Freedom Dancers are working up a big show, with more original tunes by Siano, for The Triple Door in October.

During a recent interview at his studio apartment on Capitol Hill, Siano talked about The Habit, soft rock and other vital matters.

The habit of laughing

Siano was born in Chicago but considers Seattle his hometown. He attended the University of Washington and by age 19 had formed The Habit with fellow students Ryan Dobosh, John Osebold (now of the band/performance outfit "Awesome"), Jeff Schell, Tommy Smith, David Swidler and Luke Thayer. The original name of the troupe paid homage to scientist Humphry Davy, inventor of nitrous oxide (laughing gas). Legend has it that Davy once inhaled himself into a coma — from which he emerged a few days later, still laughing.

"We loved that story so much, we called ourselves Humphry's Habit — the habit of getting together and laughing."

In 1998, they shortened it to The Habit. After a greatest-hits show at Seattle's Bathhouse Theater in 2002, they headed for Los Angeles, hoping to get their own TV series. That didn't happen, and by 2006 a downcast Siano was back in Seattle.

"I was going to stop performing in theater and comedy," he recalls. "I was convinced that I was through with it."

He took a day job in a medical clinic where, unlikely as it sounds, the seeds of his future soft-rock "spectaculars" were planted.

"The music that you can listen to — you only get one choice, really. And that's soft rock. It's Warm 106.9 or nothing."

Siano, ever the "jokester," started parodying the clinic's bland musical fare and got "a lot of laughs" from his co-workers. Then he tried out the same routine at some comedy-club open mikes and elicited a similar response.

"So that," he recalls," became my thing: Hey, I'm a soft-rock guy. Different guys, they like hard rock, or they like rap, or they're hip-hop. I'm kind of a soft-rock guy."

What started as a joke became a serious urge to get back onstage. "I caught the bug all over again," he says. "I wanted to sing. I wanted to make people laugh."

No more "wild" shows

Siano's big soft-rock break came when he got a call from local nightclub Re-Bar, asking if he could put together a show in three weeks: "At first I was freaked out. Then I thought: You know, if I cobble together all my old material, grab a bunch of my friends, start a little dance troupe — yeah, I can put on a show in three weeks!"

From there, Siano's new act took off.

The dance routines — class them under the Hectic Calisthenics School of Pop Choreography — are collaborations between Siano and his fellow dancers. Their inspirations include a lot of 1980s videos and repeated viewings of "Flashdance" and "Dirty Dancing." Siano admits that none of them are formally trained dancers. But, he says, they're stage naturals who "can really shake it."

The performer's vocal background consists of doing musicals in high-school and college. Shortly after graduating from the UW, he got gigs at the Village Theatre in Issaquah, but he worries that he may have gotten "too wild" there: "The last show I did, they didn't give me any direction. They just said, 'Just sing the song and get a few laughs.' I got a little too creative. I went out into the audience. I scared the people in the music pit. Once I left the building entirely and came back in through a different entrance. I hope one day they'll have me back. I think I have to convince them that I've grown up since."

As for his new show's song selections, they're more than just a joke to him.

"I know to a lot of people who come to see it, they enjoy it because they think that music is funny. I enjoy it because I really love that kind of music. I enjoy people who sing full voice," he says, "and aren't afraid to say a few cheesy things. Because love can be 'cheesy' — it's OK."

Soft-rock, he notes, with its "soaring" melodies also gives you a chance to show off: "It's not so much about being clever as it is about just being as beautiful as you can."

Still, he's not unaware of certain insidious aspects of the genre.

When I mention recently hearing Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody To Love" — a raw slice of psychedelia when it hit the airwaves in 1967 — being played in the hallways of a medical-dental office as though it were off some E-Z listening compilation, Siano pronounces in oracular tones: "Soft rock is a black hole. Anything that isn't deliberately metal will eventually get sucked into soft rock."

Michael Upchurch: mupchurch@seattletimes.com

Seattle Times Mark Siano Interview and Feature

2009-03-14T14:55:00.001-07:00

"Siano is, in short, a very funny guy who, with a little help from his friends, has been reducing Seattle to giggles since the mid-1990s."

Lady Heart, by Mark Siano live at The Triple Door 1/30/09

2009-03-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

The Clandestine Cabaret- March 20, 21

2009-02-21T17:08:00.001-08:00

Freedom Dancer Trading Cards

2009-01-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

Soft Rock at The Triple Door January 30th Mark Siano and The Freedom Dancers

2009-01-04T21:01:00.001-08:00

SOFT ROCK at The Triple Door January 30

2008-11-23T21:11:00.000-08:00

Mark Siano and the Freedom Dancers present the latest installment of their popular Soft Rock series. Siano will flex his comedy and vocal chops, while the beautiful and funny dancers tear up the stage, take to the air and strap on roller skates, softly. Do not miss this spectacular culmination of Siano's two-year journey into softness.

Tickets on sale now. http://thetripledoor.net/

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE next to Benaroya Hall.

Friday January 30th, 2 shows, 7:30 and 10:30.

check out the amazing photoshoot!

2008-11-15T13:29:00.001-08:00

Theatre Dangerously Returns 11/21/08

2008-11-14T17:46:00.001-08:00

Theatre Dangerously
A co-production with Washington Ensemble Theatre

November 21st, Friday, 2 shows
8pm and 11pm

The Little Theater (Home of Washington Ensemble Theatre)
608 19th Ave E
Seattle, WA 98112
(CORNER OF MERCER AND 19th on Capitol Hill next to the Kingfish Cafe)

Tickets available only at the door, $10
206-898-3644

The Line-up:

-John Osebold, new songs from the "Awesome" guitarist and vocalist
-Solomon Georgio, stand-up from the winner of the Stranger Gong Show
-Blood Squad, slasher satire from Seattle's top improv team
-Becky Poole, absurd comedy from one of Seattle's favorite new performers
-Cherry Manhattan, burlesque from the beautiful Katjana Vadeboncoeur
-Mara Siciliano & Sam Pettit, high voltage original dance and choreography
-Luke Thayer and David Swidler, sketch comedy from old members of The Habit
~and~
-The Freedom Dancers, performing they're hugely popular and acclaimed "Bollywood" number

MARK SIANO: PINKO HOLIDAY

2008-10-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

Opens Friday! Oct. 10, 11, 17, 18, at the Rendezvous Jewel Box Theatre, 2232 2nd Ave. Seattle.

Oh the people you'll meet

2008-09-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

This is a huge thank you to all the great people I spent time with during my travels in Southeast Asia and China.

Traveling solo can be lonely at times, but meeting all of you was what made it such a satisfying and enriching adventure, thank you for being gracious hosts, and for being daring and trusting friends. (names have been spared to protect the innocent)

It's great to be home in Seattle, but I miss my new travel buddies. If any of you ever make it out here look me up. We'll start the photo journal of awesome and beautiful faces in CHINA!!!

VIETNAM

LAOS

THAILAND

And we'll finish in the infamous--
MUDLAND

That's what they mean by blue eyed devil.

"IT IS FORBIDDEN"

2008-08-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

But I did it anyway.
It is expressly forbidden to display political signs in Olympic venues, or on Olympic grounds, or anywhere in China for that matter. But I would not be deterred. (Damn it I blinked!) USA vs. China -Women's Basketball, I was there and I unfurled this sign. "USA Out of Iraq, and into the Medal Round." How did I sneak the sign in you may ask?
First I had to beg some volunteers to give me a large piece of paper or poster board. I noticed they had large scale maps that were blank on the back. But, they too, were forbidden. "Just give me the map, I'll give you a free handball ticket." The girls at the volunteer kiosk wouldn't let go of the map. So I did what I thought was best, I said, "I'm taking the map!" and I ran away. Then I found a nearby mall (which was formerly a mosque, sorry Islam) and I frantically went looking for something to write with. On the top floor there was a children's store with lots of tiny little markers, the clock was ticking and the night's events were about to begin. My Canadian friend Cassie (her shirt says 50% Chinese, 50% Italian, All Canadian), who was coming to the games with me joined me at the children's store, and we drew up the map as fast as possible, with dozens of Chinese onlookers wondering what the hell are they doing?

Having the protest sign on the back of a map was the perfect distraction to get it past the Chinese sensors. I just folded it up with the "USA out of Iraq" part hidden and slid right on in. Layer after layer of security let me and my giant map go through without questioning.

We had the map at the swimming event, but its true destination was the USA basketball game. I raced across town after swimming and once again made it into another venue with no one looking inside my map. My seats were nowhere near the court, but I broke out the sign and got a lot of laughs and applause and a lot of photographs. There was one Australian who kept yelling "Security! Security! We have a breach! Free speech over here, security!"

Naturally I decided I wanted to get closer to the court, so I knew I would have to sneak down. This is China, and it's not like a sporting event in Seattle, or at all like Athens, where you can just act confident and walk past one or two ushers and grab a really good seat. Sure there are empty seats everywhere (well done China/Cosport!) but in China, they are checking tickets, even the old beer in each hand doesn't work. Look how many guards are at each entrance; 8 volunteers per gate, and no other spectators to distract.

Finally I managed to get by a giggling girl and a distracted young man. The next person yelled, "Ticket, ticket." I pointed like back at the other ushers and then back at the stands as if to say, "yeah they checked me, I'm right down here.

FIFTH ROW! The sign was unfurled yet again, the game was just finishing up, and USA had just crushed the Chinese by over 50 points. As the players were about to exit I made my way to the guardrail above where all the press cameras were. This is also where the athletes exit the stadium. I let the sign out over the guardrail, and it took nearly 10 minutes for Chinese security to see it. In the meantime cameras from CCTV, CBC, and other organizations all took pictures of the sign. NBC refused as I kept yelling at them, "C'mon NBC, take a picture, it's an election year."

The best part was that as the American athletes were exiting a few of them looked up to see my sign and they loved it. Cappie Pondexter (#4), pointed at it, smiled and mouthed what I think was "hell yeah!"
Tina Thompson (#11) saw it, gave me a point, a smile, a head nod, and a fist pump. That was pretty nice, gave me a very satisfying ripple of shivers up and down my spine.

That's when the authorities found me. I saw two officials from a distance pointing at me, they approached quickly, I handed my camera off to a nice Chinese man who fricking LOVED my sign.

"It is forbidden, no photo," the olympic representative said, but it was too late. I didn't want to give up my sign so, I folded it up and headed back to my seat.

"It is forbidden," they kept yelling at me, but I just walked away like I had done nothing wrong.
I put the folded map back in my bag.

"No, no, you can not have that sign" he repeated, he was holding his hand out, asking for my sign.

I pulled it out. "But I need the map," I said. "I need the map, I don't understand Beijing's subway, I need the map." This really confused them, the guy harassing me spoke little English, and I just kept speaking very quickly trying to confuse him further.

He grabbed my map-sign and said "Wait here." Damn it, he was walking off with my map and heading in the direction of what I assumed was his superiors.

What was going to happen now. Was I in trouble, would I get thrown out? Deported, detained, who knows, this is China after all.

He returned with my sign. "It is forbidden," he repeated, "please put away, if you take it out again, I will take it away."

He handed the sign back to me, I put it back in my bag.

I said "Thank you," and he shook my hand.

"Enjoy the game," he said, and I did.

Beijing is a River

2008-08-10T06:25:00.001-07:00

Enough with the rain already, OK God!?! Jeez, we get it already.

A mere hour ago I was a mess. I was angry, depressed, and alone; getting soaked in a vicious thunderstorm, walking home from the Olympic Stadium empty handed in my attempt to find some swimming tickets.

Then I got word that some had just become available online. Miraculously after pantomiming "internet" to dozens of drenched Chinese, I found an internet cafe and I scored 4 swimming tickets and one women's basketball for tomorrow before the window of opportunity slammed shut.

B-ball is USA v CHINA and you know what that means. I'm breaking out the sign folks! Chinese bans on protest be damned.
That's from the World Cup in Germany 06, this time I'm updating it for the Olympics.

USA out of Iraq and into the Medal Round!

Now it's time to wrap some paper bags around my feet and head out down the Hutong-River-Alley to the bar where I plan to watch Kobe, LeBron, and the American boys take on Yao Ming and the Chinese! Go USA!

(P.S. Ticketing in Beijing SUCKS. It's pathetic, embarrassing, elitist, ineffective and ARGHHH!!!! So angry!! The stadiums are empty and it's really frustrating and sad! It's so hard to get tickets for so many, but then for 15 minutes online you can get tickets for the next day!! I could go on forever, gotta go get drenched!!)

Beijing is off and running!

2008-08-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

Now that the pomp is over, let the games begin! Who likes cycling through heavy smog?!?

Quit yer whining! Do it anyway, and don't stop until you get to the Great Wall of China.

I don't want to spoil the Opening Ceremonies for you, if you hear anyone talking about the torch lighting, cover your ears and sing "Almost Paradise." It doesn't quite top Barcelona's flaming arrow, but it's really creative and spectacular. You had to know Zhang Yimou wasn't going to disappoint.

Now the important stuff: I'll tell ya what athlete hotties to watch for. The flag bearer from Jordan has a killer smile (Zeina Shaban), and the ladies were quite smitten with the dancing Kenyan men. The Danish top the Swedes this year in best Nordic looks, and I give the sexiest nation prize to Italy barely edging out Brazil, but I'm extremely biased.

Kobe and Federer were the favorites of the Chinese.

In this day and age it's really pathetic and embarrassing when a nation doesn't send any women athletes. Qatar, knock it off already, Muhammad didn't say shit about having women in the Olympics. India, really, first of all, if you're the second largest nation in the world, train some frickin athletes already, and no women AT ALL!!! Even your extremely poor neighbor Bangladesh has women athletes and they have to live in a country patrolled by a brutal, fundamental, and radical Islamic police force. For shame India.

Be prepared for a really long march of nations, I miss the days when the Soviet Union and Yugoslavia would save us at least 30 nations. The UN has let this idea of the modern nation state get out hand. Who has ever heard of this country called the Youcrain? Also look for the expression on Hu Jingtao's face when "Chinese Taipei" walks in, it's worse than the scowl Bush gave Iran back in Salt Lake. The real reason Tibet, Xinjiang, Taiwan, and Hong Kong will never be free and independent is that the Olympic Committee is worried it could take up to 5 hours to get through a march of nations if China can't hold it all together.

Bed Bath and Beijing

2008-08-04T02:58:00.000-07:00

It's a controversial title, Bed Bath and Beijing, mainly because my host Erika hates it. However she can't deny it got the most laughs at the bar the other night. A bar called"BED" no less.

A bar called BED seemed really appealing when creeping wearily into the wee hours, but it didn't live up to it's title. It was like the movie There Will Be Blood, should've been There Might Be Blood or There Could Be Blood, but there wasn't all that much blood. BED had no actual beds, just pillows, which would be fine for a bar called PILLOW, I reckon a trendy little bar named PILLOW could do plenty of business. However this place didn't even have sexy lay around kind of pillows, so I had to pass out sitting up. Some bed!?#!

I've been in Beijing a week now, and honestly I've really enjoyed being unemployed and lazy. Some days I go out and do stuff, other days I sit around and eat all of Erika's Lady Crisps. They're made for a woman, but tasty enough for a man, even the Blueberry Potato Chips are growing on me.

(10 Days later)
Wow, that post went nowhere fast, no wonder I neglected it so long. Maybe a picture will help.

Short and Sloppy

2008-08-03T17:43:00.001-07:00

I was a little worried when I got to Beijing. After all I went directly from the gorgeous mountains of Yanghou (pictured above), to the smoggy streets of Beijing.
See that little ball of fire, they call that the sun! You can't see it because of all that sweet delicious heavy pollution. There have actually been some beautiful days though, like when Erika and I went to the Summer Palace, that was amazing! The skies were clear and blue, there was a nice breeze and we had drinks (that I mixed and froze the night before, classic) on a paddle boat with an ipod and speakers taped to the bow. We listened to Radiohead and Peter Cetera, cause Erika knows what kind of mix I like.

Right now, I'm not ill enough to write a whole lot. I'm gonna go pick up my Olympic Tickets. I can't wait to see my favorite sport TEAM HANDBALL! Tomorrow I'm gonna hit The Great Wall, hopefully I'll reinjure my ankle, then the blog will be huge!

Despite my early misgivings about Beijing, I'm having tons of fun. Luckily for me this town is littered with American Expats who speak Mandarin, so I'm not totally lost. In my attempts to make new friends, I'm gonna buy a Chinese Cell Phone, because as always, I'm trying to be popular.

Stay tuned for a fancy new blog post in the works.

Duck Blood Vinegar Kidney Soup for the Soul

2008-07-25T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'm injured again damn it. Which is good if you're a fan of this blog, because when I'm feeling bad it's much easier to sit in an internet cafe and compose a new posting.
These nice ladies may seem innocent enough, but they are the reason I'm hobbled right now with a fat ankle. They are the women of the Yao minority in Southwest China and they patrol the eastern bank of the Long Ji rice terraces commonly known as "The Dragon's Backbone." Few are able to escape their grasp without buying something or witnessing a long hair showing with photo (only 5 Chinese Yuan=80 cents).
I was trying to walk to my favorite lake in Long Ji for a swim when I was accosted by an especially agressive woman who followed me for nearly a kilometer with a basket full of trinkets. I said no in every possible way I could think of-- "Bu", "Bu ke Qi" meaning "no, no thank you" and finally "wo bu yao kan chang fa" which means "please keep your long hair on your head, I don't need a photo!" She wouldn't give up and she left me with only three options. 1. Buy some crap, or watch a hair show. 2. Push her off the cliff. 3. Run!

I decided to run, she came running after me. My legs are long, but she knew the cliffside stone pathways much better and was able to keep up, so I broke out into a full sprint. I managed to lose her, but I also lost my footing and rolled my ankle. The right ankle, that gets hurt every 6 months or so. So now I'm grounded in the ridiculously picturesque city of Yangshou.

Pretty isn't it? The finest Karst Towers I've seen so far. This photo was taken just outside of Yangshou on the edge of a mountain. Now it's been over a week since I've written, here's how I got into China.
I met some Chinese dudes on the bus from Hanoi to China. We had a fantastic conversation about freedom and Chinese politics and Tibet and the Olympics, but then I thought "I better shut up before we hit the border, if I piss someone on this bus off, then could turn me in at the border." The land crossing into had me extremely nervous. They searched me and riffled through my stuff, even read some of my journal. When I reached the 4th level of security clearance the border guard stopped me, she looked at me a dozen times, then back at my passport. I just kept smiling. She called her superior, he looked the Visa over, looked at me and then whispered the two syllables that filled me with joy and relief. "OK" he said!

I was in! The scenery was spectacular and the roads were fantastic! After Vietnam it was like crossing from Mexico to America. China is much more modern than I expected. Not only that, but now I had Chinese friends! Look at those guys, they look like fun right? They took me all over the city of Guilin, doing China the way the Chinese do. Nasty! I ate some really disgusting food including this superb dish known as Duck Blood Vinegar Kidney Soup.

It came with a side of pork spleen! I acted like it was fine, I'm adventurous right? But it was was slimy, spongey, bone crunchy, bloody, and largely devoid of any distinctive taste. All texture, no flavor. Still I was extremely grateful for my Chinese friends especially Tsai, who really showed me around Guilin. The drinking was much more fun than the eating, and the drinking games destroyed my will to live. Please Tsai, tell me you were kidding when you said that skewer was made of pig's penis.

After Guilin I headed south to Yangshou.

Check out the wild mountain goats! I spent the night in an old converted farm house, and the next morning I went on a bike ride with a nice British young woman named Charlotte, she and I biked across these fields and hiked up the side of a mountain and met these nice goats, who didn't trust us one bit. Later that day I headed into town and opened my wallet for a piece of water theatre directed by the brilliant Zhang Yimou (Hero, Raise the Red Lantern, House of Flying Daggers)The show was called Impression Liu Sanjie and it was by far the most impressive spectacle I've ever seen. I have no idea what the show was about or if there was a plot at all, but who the hell cares. Zhang Yimou knows how to blow your eyeballs out with color, I can't wait to see what what he does with the Opening Ceremonies. The whole show was done, ON THE RIVER, with over 600 performers and a boat load of boats. It was like Cirque Du Soliel without all the bullshit. My camera is not very good at night, trust me though, it was incredible, they even lit up the surrounding mountains!

After indulging in the rich beauty of Yangshou, I headed to the Rice Terraces of Long Ji, I met this Phillipino dude named J.P. He had perfect English (I'm so jealous of these multiligual bastards) with a New York accent. Cool guy, we expored the terraces and he headed back to Yanghou.
Then I met some British Trinidadians and we headed to the next village which was 4 hours away. No restaurants, no tourists, and no whiteys. A nice woman from the village offered to cook us dinner.

That's Lauren, Coral, and Holly above. The dinner was amazing, I didn't want the nice Yao villager to chop up that hanging piece of pork (I hope it was pork!) but she did and it was delicious. The Brits thought I was really funny. I broke out my A-Game material. "What's the difference between the Yao and Zhuang Minority? The Yao are all like 'Excuse me sir, would you like to see me take down my hair?' and the Zhuang are all like "Yo, Whitey! Hold up homes. Wanna check my hair or what?" Ah, ethnic/racist humor in China, gets em every time.

To top off the day, I found a basketball court on the side of the rice terraces.

Notice that I am a full foot taller than these guys. I had a dozen blocks and scored at will. It was really satisfying, and I don't care if half of them were barefoot. It was time to school some fools.

The Olympics are almost here and I'm headed to Beijing, next time I write I'll be in the care of the illustrious Erika Kuever.

DAMN YOU SCORPION LIQUOR!!!

2008-07-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

There's a scorpion in this liquor! What you want me to take some shots with you, you're paying? Yeah sure, what could go wrong?

Cheers, Gung! I don't wanna be rude right?

Mmm, the sweet taste of scorpion.

Ungghh Ngyueynnngg! Oh God. What? You want me to take a few more? OK, Ok. Time to go back to my room. Wait there's a lady in the tiles in my shower. How you doing? Hey lady, do you know why there are so many caves in Halong Bay? Because the fishermen got mad at the monkeys for eating the fish and threw them against the cliffs. That's where the caves come from lady, I can't be wrong, I'm full of scorpion liquor. You are the prettiest tile lady I've ever seen. Do you know why there are so many caves in Halong Bay? Monkeys! Yep.

Next day: Rendered futile! Excruciating pain! There's a goddamn scorpion in my stomach.

This is the worst stomach pain I've ever had. It feels like someone stabs me in the gut every 3 minutes. Then it goes away. Ah that's better. STAB!!! Ouch, Damn, AHHH. Oh it's gone now, boy that wasn't a big deal, just better not have anymore Scorpohol. STAB!!! Ahhhh!!!! Damn it! I got to get out of Nam. Damn you Scorpion Liquor!

Plane-Taxi-Taxi-Scooter-Bus-Taxi-Bus-Boat-Bus-Boat to Paradise

2008-07-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

Thus with imagined wing our swift scene flies in motion of no less celerity than that of thought!

Suppose that you have seen, an American traveller alone admist the nations his homeland had once sought to conquer a mere generation before. Play with your fancies and in them behold a man: ravaged by the river and jungle as he crosses the sweltering tarmac holding due course for Hanoi. Follow, follow, and from a balcony high above the burgeoning city, hear the shrill whistles of motorbikes and grapple with the bellowing of a western stomach too weak for scorpohol.

(I had Henry V on the mind) On the plane from Luang Prabang to Hanoi I met a young Australian who goes by the name of "Ang", Angela is two syllables too long for this busy young lady. "Oh no, not an Australian" you may be thinking?!? The young men of that former prison nation have given the Aussies a bad name, being constantly "on the piss," and as obnoxious as a crocodile hunter at a bachelor party. The girls are quite a different story: Ang just got her PHD in agriculture and was managing a sheep farm in Tasmania whilst getting her doctorate with an emphasis in carrot reproduction. Oh yeah? Well I'm a comedian who worked in a gynecology clinic, beat that!

She's doing a bit of travelling before returning to "Tassie" to make the world safe for carrot sex. She's quite smart and has an ambitious sense of adventure. We both have no clue of what to do in Hanoi, or how to get to Halong Bay (paradise).

Hanoi is the craziest city I have ever seen. It makes New York, Bangkok, Rome, Los Angeles, Naples, Barcelona look like quaint little villages. The streets are jam packed with motorbikes and buses and taxis and rickshaws and bicycles and vendors and people, so many people! There's no room on sidewalks for pedestrians so we all just dodge each other on the street like an apocolyptic game of Frogger (TM) on warp speed. Perhaps coming from Laos, I wasn't ready for the culture shock. Laos is so laid back, and Vietnam is apparently extremely pushy, when it comes to the tourist industry. You can't go three feet before being accosted by a motorbike and a kid with gum and a lady with fruit and shop keeper that knows you secretly want to rock that Ho Chi Mihn look with the Commie cap and the socialist red star. It's tremedously annoying, and of course there's trash everywhere.

Must get out of this place! Must get to Halong. Must see beautiful Limestone cliffs and Karst Towers. No I DON'T NEED A MOTORBIKE!!!
The destination was Cat Ba island. Now there are at least 300,000 different places in Hanoi that will sell you a package tour to Cat Ba island and Halong Bay. But I am no mere Tourist! I will not be packaged with the masses, and neither will Ang, we're gonna get to Halong Bay the old fashioned way! By taking a taxi, then a scooter, then a bus, then a taxi, then a bus, then a boat, then a bus. It ended up costing a whole lot, but at least we were the only white people on this particular mission, it makes you feel a lot more daring when you're the only Westerner. Cat Ba island was the same, I don't know where they take the whiteys actually, must be some special island resort. We booked a boat (that was three times as expensive as we expected, damn these Vietnamese are clever are getting your money) and headed out.

Nothing crazy happened this time, no head cracking, or stomach thwacking, or machete incidents; just pure relaxing beautiful fun. Here's a list of amazing things we saw.

-An endless maze of islands and dramatic Karst Towers
-Fishing villages
-Secluded beachs
-Caves
-Tunnels that lead under mountains to hidden lagoons
-Hawks sailing above the hills
-Jumping schools of fish
-Jellyfish
-Trash (lots of floating plastic near some of the fishing areas)
-Yellow and Black stripey fish that you could see while snorkelling
-Thunderstorms that lit up the sky and water and literally shook the boat
-A full moon that was bright enough to eat dinner by
-Phosphorescents in the evening water
-Ridiculously heavy rainstorms (the sun came out for no more than a few hours, but the water and the temperature were always warm)

Our guides were very nice, and amazing cooks, the meals were the best part. Fresh crab and pineapple squid salad were the favorites, with a special mention to the crispy baby black fishes and buttery morning glory.

That was great, really great, but I honestly don't think I'll ever intentionally return to Nam again. One tour was enough, plus now I get to say:

"Look, I didn't go to Viet-frickin-Nam, just so you damn hippies can burn a flag."

Just follow the nice man with the Machete.

2008-07-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

First off- I would like to dedicate the following blog entry to the children of Laos who saved my life on numerous occasions over the last few days. Thank you, you've made this blog possible.

I crossed the border into a Laos a few days ago. It was easy, Laos was happy to have us. Unless you were Canadian of course, they had by far the highest fee of any nation to get a Visa to travel in Laos. That's right Canada, Laos hates you and everything you stand for, now cough up an extra 7 dollars and get your Canuck-butt back on the bus!

I arrived in the capital city of Vientiane. Nice city, about the size of Everett, WA, but with more temples, and embassies, and French restaurants. I got "dressed up" (put on pants) and walked to the Vietnamese embassy to get my Visa. I thought I should look a bit more professional for the Vietnamese, there was one other person there, a really shady looking dirty man with a long beard and a wicked gleam in his eye.

"I want six month visa with multiple entries" he said, I thought this guy didn't stand a chance.

"Sure," said the consulate and gave Shady McUptonogood a Visa. I got mine in a flash and I was on my way. But not before I paid too much for a fancy French meal. Peppercrusted Pork Loin with vegetables in a mustard gravy. Awesome.

Then I was off to Vang Vieng. The road was muddy and the bus was really slow and rickety, but the views were spectacular. I had never seen a rice paddy before, now I can die satisfied.

Speaking of dying, I'm not gonna do it, not here, not now, not with the children of Laos protecting me. Vang Vieng has touristically exploded recently thanks to one activity, tubing. Here's how it works. You get an intertube, they take you a few km up the Mekong River, you get in.

Then the drinking begins.

Before you've been in the river for more than a minute, there's a group of Lao kids throwing ropes and bamboo and life preservers at you. They are trying to draw you into the first river bar. Here you sit by the river, with some of the most amazing mountain views you've ever witnessed and you pound back a few Laos beers with your new friends.

There's a rope swing!

I love rope swings and this is the best damn rope swing I've ever seen. It's really, really high above the water and when you let go it's quite a drop. This is too good really, I'm embarrassed by how much I'm enjoying this. As soon as you land in the Mekong the current starts pulling you on down, but the good Laotian children who are STRONGEST SWIMMERS ON EARTH pull you back in.

So you get back in your tube, float on down to the next bar, and the next bar, and the next bar. You do some more rope swings, then a zip line, then you drink some more. Back in the water, next bar had volleyball and soccer, oh god make it stop. Too much fun!!! Now everyone is totally covered in mud and we're all dancing in the rain as the clouds cling to the jagged walls of the mountains surrounding us.

I'm not proud of myself, this can't be good for the culture of central Laos, and the whole thing feels a bit too much like Spring Break Vang Vieng 2008! But damn it, I can't help but love it. Soccer in the warm torrential rain! Rope swings! It's like if Shawshank Redemption ended with a beach volleyball match.

Watching people jump off the ropes is the primary entertainment, and I now have the reputation as "The Entertainer", my new friends are encouraging me to get out there and do something either spectacular or hilarious. I will not dissappoint them.

I take the rope and take to the skies. I am as Swayze as I wanna be out there above the river, I'm spinning and kicking and putting on quite a show. Now it's time for the dismount! I had pulled off a small flip earlier so now I'm feeling more ambitious. Especially since everyone knows I'm on my way to the Olympics. It's time to flip and spin. So I let go of the rope and go flippy spinny into the air. However I don't make it all the way around, oh shit . . . !

SMACK!

I hit the water with a thunderous ker-smack. "OOOOHHHHHhhhh DDAAAMmmmmnnnn" I can hear from the crowd as I come up for air. Worst landing EVER! I landed on my neck and side and it hurt like hell, for a second I thought I had done some real damage. The guardian angels of the Mekong (six year olds) pull me in. I'm OK . . . kinda. My neck hurts like hell and it's difficult to swallow. The left side of my torso is a mess. I have a bruise from armpit to waist that is purple yellow green and red. It looks like my side is covered with a mixture of oil and water, it's a dirty rainbow of pain. (when I have a chance I'll upload the photo, but you may not want to see it, it's nasty)

Screw the pain! It's time for some more muddy volleyball. I stay at the last bar just a bit too long and it's nearly dark when my friends and I get back in the water. By the time we reach the end of the tubing section it's dark and we don't know where we're going. Luckily there's a bunch of tiny girls who apparently are five times as strong as full grown westerners and they pull in the lot of us. Hell of a day.

The next day I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and anti-social, I'm missing my friends from home and I'm fighty a funky feeling in both my brain and stomach. So I rent a bike with the mission of getting closer to those amazing mountains, maybe climb a little, just a little exploring on my own away from the crazy kids on the river.

I head out of town and into the rice paddies, after a few miles I see a sign that says "Cave with Buddha, great adventure way." I'm a sucker for that kind of thing.

I head down the lonely overgrown path and realize the bike is going to do me no good. So I ditch it, and start tramping through the mini-river in search of Buddha cave. The views again are spectacular. But after walking for a few hours, I think I may not be headed towards any cave, in fact, now the path is leading me away from mountain. As I re-enter the river I see a small Lao family climbing over a fence. The man I assume is the father jumps back over the fence and back into the river. He comes up to me, waving me off, since I'm obviously lost and going the wrong direction. I try to communicate.

"Buddha?" and I make the shape of a cave with my hands.

He beckons me with a head nod. This way, he seems to tell me. He begins to walk down the small river through the vines and trees.

At this point I realize this nice man is carrying a machete. Now I know all the children's books I've ever read say "Don't follow men with Machetes", but they've never been lost in a jungle in Laos. I'm following the nice machete man.

Another hour passes as we tramp on down the stream. Everytime we reach another fence he whips out his machete, cuts down some vines and repairs another fence.

See! He doesn't want to kill me, he's just doing some maintenence. He even opens the fence for me, which means I have to turn my back for a second, but at this point I'm not even scared. I love this guy! True to his word, he leads me to a very good path that leads me right up to the caves. Thank you Machete Man, you are a gentleman and fine repairer of fences.

I scale one of the Karst Towers and climb nearly a third of the way up. Looking back over the rice paddies is one of the greatest views I've ever witnessed. The caves have no Buddha, but I don't care. As I walk back down I see a big Lao family tramping along the path. I'm following these guys. They lead me, the muddy giant white guy, across the rice paddies and back to the road, I look ridiculous. Still, I make it back to town just before dark.

I've done a bit more travelling since then, I'm currently in the lovely city of Luang Prabang, and I had a wonderful day swimming in the waterfall yesterday. But now I've got to move on. I'm catching a plan to Hanoi in just a few hours. Soon it will be time to cross into China, which doesn't sound easy. All the other backpackers are like . . .

"You're crossing to China by land?"

"Yes, so . . . ?" I say.

"Ooh, good luck with that."

I highly recommend Laos for anyone travelling in this part of the world. I had a fantastic time, next stop Vietnam.

___________________

The world's worst ariel rope swing display above the Mekong River in Vang Vieng, Laos ended in the most embarrassing side-belly-neck flop in the course of human history. This is the massive bruise I still brandish. Plus, it still hurts to swallow. If you get even the slightest chuckle out of this ridiculous display of damaged blood and skin cells, just imagine the kind of river thwacking it would take to make such a mark.The world's worst ariel rope swing display above the Mekong River in Vang Vieng, Laos ended in the most embarrassing side-belly-neck flop in the course of human history. This is the massive bruise I still brandish. Plus, it still hurts to swallow. If you get even the slightest chuckle out of this ridiculous display of damaged blood and skin cells, just imagine the kind of river thwacking it would take to make such a mark.

Photographs from S.E. Asia

2008-07-07T01:05:00.000-07:00

I only brought one green shirt to Thailand, and I'm gonna use it!

I add pictures of attractive young women to try and make myself look cool and popular. Truthfully I spend almost all of my time alone, which took a little getting used to, since I usually demand a lot of attention. I really like the solidarity of my travels (I'll sleep til 2pm if I wanna, then I'll get a banana chocalate pancake and a beer and go back to bed!), it's lonely at times, but you make great friends as well. Above: posing with some amazing Thaifood is Sonja, who I met my first day in Beijing, and posing in the Indian Ocean is Louiza, who would later have her face attacked by a monkey.

photos pic images jpegs, whatever the kids are callin em these days

2008-07-07T00:55:00.000-07:00

The view from Au Naung in Krabi, Southern Thailand.
And an evil face biting monkey!

Photos!

2008-07-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

Covered in red dirt, blood, rain, and sweat.

Enjoying a beer with Lucia, who I somehow managed to talk into fanning me with a giant palm leaf.

Thai Style Head Crackin'

2008-07-04T03:21:00.000-07:00

It just isn't a good Siano vacation until I crack my head open. I figure if I don't draw blood, no one will read this blog.

Departing Bangkok in the middle of a tropical downpour, I headed south in search of a sandy beach that would be surrounded by my favorite geographical phenomenon: The KARST TOWER. In fact, this trip, previous to going to Beijing, is all about chasing Karst Towers. Here in the southern Thai town of Krabi, the place is nothing but Karst Towers, one of my next destinations in Halong Bay, Vietnam, again the towers, and finally Guilin China is a limestone paradise of Karst Towers. The minerals that compose these tiny giants actually eat the trees and folliage on top of them as they grow towards the skies creating the coolest and steepest looking hills on earth. Yesterday, just to show those beautiful little mountains how much I love them, I left a little chunk of my head on one of them.

I was climbing in search of distant lagoon, it was extremely muddy and it was raining, not good climbing weather. It was a strenous little hike up a steep cliff, but I took it real slow and paired up with a couple from Quebec, just so we could help each other out in case of emergency, like if someone fell, and cracked their head open. Only, I didn't fall. I was so focused on finding good footing and grabbing strong vines that when I got a solid grip, I just lifted myself up not looking at the rocks ABOVE ME.

Crack!

Blood! That was really stupid, the Quebecouis laughed at me, and we kept heading towards the lagoon. I felt fine, but when I saw the lagoon, we all got really scared. There were two more cliffs with nothing but a muddy rope to let you down. My mom, and Jeanne, and everyone who told me not to go looking for danger would have been proud. We turned back and decided a game of volleyball in the pool was just as rewarding as a lagoon surrounded by cliffs, and far less deadly.

SIDE STORY:

Speaking of deadly, the day before I was hanging out with a young Erika Kuever wannabe, she's studying Mandarin in Shanghai as part of her degree. She is the daughter of two Islamic Tartar Russians, and was born in Tajikistan and grew up in Russia and Germany, and now she studies in China, her name was Louiza. My story was much shorter, "I'm from Seattle, in America, they call me Mark."

We went on an elephant ride through the jungle, it was totally awesome dude! Dude! This elephant is trying to buck me dude, no way Stampy, I'm holding on!!

After the elephant ride, Louiza and I went to pay the nice men, and then a monkey attacked Louiza! It latched onto her face, dug its claws into her neck and bit a chunk out of her ear, Mike Tyson style. I was like "hey, there's a monkey biting your FACE!"

She turned out to be fine, but now we're both really scared of monkeys. Those little suckas are everywhere down here, hiding in the beautiful karst caves, just looking for a friendly face to attack!

I'm getting out of here, next stop, Northern Thailand city of Changmai, and then off to Laos.

That's right,

Here

2008-07-03T07:48:00.000-07:00

now. Amazing, they are closing the internet cafe. I have to go, I am well.

Eye Candy and Lung Poison

2008-06-28T01:22:00.000-07:00

I woke up my first morning in Thailand, and got my world rearranged. On a stroll outside my suburban guest house I was immediately accosted by stray dogs and barefoot children. Rickety shacks stood side by side with oppulent upper middle class mansions, and the sidewalk was littered with trash and nasty/gorgeous food stalls. It was 7:30 in the morning but I was already sweaty as hell and the streets were crowded and I was constantly dodging suicidal scooters, dare devil 3 wheeler "tuk-tuks" and trucks that wanted me dead.

I wasn't in the tourist section of Bangkok, I was rocking the suburbs and I was the only white guy around. The purpose of my morning excursion was to get some excercise. In fact the mission of my entire Asian journey is to LOSE SOME WEIGHT. I know I say I want adventure, and to experience a new culture, and do research for my show about China, but seriously, I'm hear to get fit. I'm sick of sitting behind a desk, and then sitting at a computer, then sitting on a couch, enough sitting already. I'm sick of eating pizza every frickin day because I'm too busy and lazy to eat better.

I quickly realized that going for a jog was impossible, it's too crowded and the exhaust was killing me, within an hour my lungs felt like they had smoked three packs of unfiltered cigarettes. I got off the road and found an upscale shopping center complete with a fancy exclusive sports club.

They asked for my identification and room number and I waved them off with a "do you know who I am" air of confidence. I got in no problemo, the old 'act like you own the place' works in S.E. Asia too. So I played basketball for an hour in the killer Thai sun. A little work out a day, I'm gonna stick to it! Then too cool off, I went into Starbucks to wait for the air con to dry my shirt. I didn't buy a damn thing though, screw you Howard Shultz, you'll never get my money!

I figured out the transit situation and headed downtown. Bangkok was much more beautiful than I had imagined. I had the image of a really gritty city that was far more nasty than facinating. But it really is gorgeous, the architecture of the temples is amazing, and there's almost always something interesting to look at, even the dirtiest of alley have ornate doorways.

I took the river taxi to Khao San, which is the Backpacker Baccinalia of SE Asia. I was looking for a place to stay that had a pool. It's a hundred degrees! In my searches I made friends with a couple American girls who were teachers in Taiwan, who were vacationing in Thailand. We shopped for a bit and then hit the happy hour. BEER is 30 Cents a glass!!! This isn't going to help my weight loss plans. My new friends, Sonja and Stephanie were on their last days in Bangkok and wanted to live it up a bit. They said it was time for thai massages, and I looked at my watch, and they were right, it was indeed massage time! I didn't do the acrobatic and dangerous looking Thai massage, opting instead for the western friendly oil massage, which my new friends said was the best. It was one of the greatest hours in the history of my life. It cost $7 dollars. DAMN!!!

There was more drinking and shopping and eating, the food is great, but nothing has made me re-examine my faith in god yet. At the end of the night, I bid my new friends adieu and headed home. Just then a young woman, who looked pretty normal really, came up to me and asked:

"Hey where are you going?"

"Just catching the bus," I said.

She switched from friendly girl on the street to the incredible hulk in a second flat, grabbed me by the arm with both hands and shouted, "You come with me!"

I had to pull my arm away and run! That was way more agressive than I had anticipated, I know Bangkok is famous for it's sex tourism but I hadn't seen any of it up until that point, and it surprised the shit out of me.

Day 2 in Bangkok was much like the first, without any clutching hooker incidents to report. However I did tempt fate by taking a scooter ride to my new place by the river. My scooter driver was a bit of fatty with a limp, so I should have said no, especially when the helmet didn't fit. We weaved in and out of traffic and since my scooter driver was so huge I had a hard time fitting my arms around him, but his weight offset the huge backpack I had on. Since his frame was so damn wide, my knees jut way off to the side and as he squeezed between the cars I nearly got my knee caps taken off by side mirrors. It cost 200 Thai Bhat, which was kind of a rip off, but still Best ROLLERCOASTER ride Ever!

I played a little frisbee with Sonja at the giant Lumpini Park and watched a lot of hilarious dance routines, I guess in Thailand, you don't have to pay for rehearsal space when you're a choreographer, everyone just practices in the park. I visited the apotheosis of all relining Buddhas, pictured above, and thought of Erika and Emmy who had visited the same spot not too long ago. I miss my friends back home, but Bangkok is a blast, I think I'll stay for a few more days. After that, uh, I don't know, I just need to get to China eventually.

Touchdown Bangkok

2008-06-25T13:02:00.001-07:00

It's 90 degrees at night and I am already one seriously sweaty Italian. I feel the heat and the sweat will be a running theme.

The flights were long and harrowing and full of kids and shifty monks (not shifty looking, they were just adjusting their robes) , but I managed to sleep a lot, now I'm wide awake at 3am watching Turkey v. Germany with some other backpackers.

I arrived at the guesthouse and only got slightly ripped off by the taxi driver. The guesthouse is nice, but the mosquitoes have found my ankles, told all friends and the feast has begun.

Tomorrow I'll check out the city if I don't sleep all day.

Travel Blog- Mr. Mark Siano goes to China

2008-06-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been using site solely to promote my shows! But now it's time to re-introduce the blog as--

TRAVEL JOURNAL!!!!

In just a few days I'm taking a plane to Bangkok. I will arrive there and try not to crumble. I have a place to stay just on the outskirts of the city for 3 nights. After that . . .

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! Somehow I have to get to China

All these big shows I've been doing lately have left me with precious little time to prepare, so I'm just gonna have to wing it. My tentative plan is this: Arrive in Bangkok June 25th, do whatever the hell I like in SE Asia for a couple weeks. Make my way to Hanoi Vietnam, visit Halong Bay and Cat Ba island. Then cross via land from Vietnam into China. Go to the amazing city of Guilin with it's spectacular karst tower mountains (pictured above) and then take a really really long train ride to Beijing. In Beijing I will meet up with my best friend Erika (who has the best blog in the world, check it!), and we will cavort around and I will watch the Olympic games. Then we'll hopefully return to Seattle safe and sound August 18th.

Let's see if things go according to plan shall we. I promise you the following things. I will not run towards sand storms, tsunamis, or typhoons (did I mention I'm visiting during typhoon season)! I will drink chicken liqour, and I will do my darndest not to end up in a Chinese prison.

Mark Siano and The Freedom Dancers Return to the Re-Bar June 13 and 14

2008-05-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

After blowing the doors off of Chop Suey in a massive explosion of spectacular softness, Mark Siano and The Freedom Dancers return to their beloved space at Seattle's world renowned Re-Bar. The Soft Rock Explosion drew hundreds of people to Chop Suey, the place was sold out and jam packed, people were turned away, and even the cops showed up! Apparently we violated the Seattle City ordinance for TOO MUCH SWAYZE!

So we're doing it again, and we're doing it well, and we'll be as Swayze as we wanna be!

SOFT ROCK EXPLOSION
Mark Siano and the Freedom Dancers
Friday June 13rd, Saturday June 14th at 8 PM

Re-Bar, 1114 Howell St, Seattle, WA 98101
21+, $12 at the door, or Brown Paper Tickets:
www.brownpapertickets.com/event/34077
or 1-800-838-3006

SOFT ROCK EXPLOSION is a crowd-pleasing, cabaret-style song and dance spectacular, the event features flashy dance numbers, original music and soft rock sing-a-longs led by a 7-piece band, music videos, stand-up and sketch comedy, and as always, a lot of ridiculously sexy people in ridiculously sexy outfits.

The Freedom Dancers are Joey Chapman, Laura DiMarco, Andrea Ford, Abigail Guay, Joanna Hardie, Lieta Siano, and Mara Siciliano.

Mark Siano: Up in your Inbox

2008-05-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

Mark Siano is 10 times as big as Duran Duran

2008-05-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

According to the Seattle Weekly. The big show is at Chop Suey May 3rd, at 8pm!

Poor little Duran Duran, they're so small!

SOFT ROCK EXPLOSION! Mark Siano and The Freedom Dancers

2008-04-02T23:05:00.001-07:00

All new song and dance spectacular May 3rd at Chop Suey.

LEGENDS IN THEIR OWN MINDS-The Habit Strikes Back

2008-03-15T12:56:00.001-07:00

March 21, 22, 28, 29, 8pm. Ticket at the door only, First Come first seated. Rendezvous Jewel Box Theater in Seattle's Belltown.

Shake your Body: Bollywood Parody

2008-02-13T20:50:00.001-08:00

SPARKLE!

SOFT ROCK EXPLOSION!

2008-02-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

NEW SHOW!!! I've just booked the biggest gig of my life. I'll be doing an all new Soft Rock Show at Chop Suey on May 3rd, that's Saturday night at one of Seattle's best venues. I need to attract hundreds of people, so bring your whole family, even the cousins you hate.

It's the SOFT ROCK EXPLOSION! Witness the incredible explosion of Mount St. Soft Rock.

Pic

2008-01-31T00:14:00.000-08:00

Mr. Dobosh in a Floridian rainstorm.

Seattle Weekly reviews Mark Siano

2008-01-02T00:04:00.001-08:00

SEATTLE WEEKLY REVIEW

http://seattleweekly.com/2007-12-05/arts/details-on-that-holiday-show-you-ve-gotta-see.php

In this mostly autobiographical one-man show, writer/performer Mark
Siano puts a comic spin on a history of failed relationships, drug
abuse, and college underachievement. Like many comedians, Siano
really, really wants us to like him, and we're happy to oblige. The
whole performance, in fact, has the feel of a class reunion, listening
to an old friend reminisce about those crazy college days.
Regrettably, though, I wasn't in on the jokes, and his sly references
to his friends worked better for, well, his friends. Yet it's hard not
to be impressed by Siano's enthusiasm and, perhaps more significantly,
his talents as a lyricist. High Times' high points are undoubtedly the
original songs—most notably his ode to everyone's favorite big box,
"Wal-Mart Is My Bitch." Siano is one of the most relentlessly
enthusiastic storytellers I've seen, and he certainly doesn't lack for
stories. BRENT ARONOWITZ

Feelings

2007-12-09T10:22:00.001-08:00

I feel pretty good right now. Yeah.

Mark Siano goes Solo

2007-11-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

Mark Siano performing in NYC Oct. 21

2007-10-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

OCCURRENCE
This Sunday, October 21 @ 9:30p

NEW VENUE!
The Tank @ Collective Unconscious
279 Church Street
(just south of White St. in lower Manhattan)
http://www.thetanknyc.org/theater
$5

featuring:
- the musicomedical stylings of Reggie Watts!
- Mark Siano blasting us with song!
- a short play about baseball and the devil by Tommy Smith!
- ventriloquism by the wonderful Carla Rhodes!
- the phantasmagorical performance of Liza Petersen!
- Michael Lopez indoctrinating us to Carnaidesai corporation!
- THREE new films.

for those who forgot:
OCCURRENCE is a rollicking alternative performace + film event curated by comedian Reggie Watts and playwright Tommy Smith. Occurrence invites innovative performers to play short sets. The evening closes with a comedy/music set by Reggie Watts.

The Mark Siano SUPER Soft Rock Spectacular!

2007-09-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

A new show with all the fun and hilarity of the original spectacular but vastly improved. SUPER SOFT has more comedy, new sketches, new jokes, and hot new dancers. We've also added more great musicians, more dancing, a hilarious karaoke video, and a new soft rock original hit single "Up in your Inbox." Come see the performance that last time had packed houses laughing hysterically and jumping to their feet with wild applause.

RE-BAR
Sept. 28, 29
October 5, 6

Performances at 8pm Friday and Saturday nights
Re-Bar is located 1114 Howell St (corner of Howell and Boren) 206-233-9873
Tickets are $14 at the door $12 pre-sale with Brown Paper Ticket for tickets call 1-800-838-3006 or visit www.brownpapertickets.com/event/19374

great video available at the ol myspace. www.myspace.com/marksiano

House of Dudes no more

2007-08-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

For the past 2 and half months, I've been living with 5 other young men. A bunch of post-graduate boys who rent a house in Ravenna. I mockingly called it, THE HOUSE OF DUDES. Never did I intend to stay here long or get attached, but damn it, some of those dudes were really cool. Even though I'm moving into a studio on Capitol Hill, which I've always wanted, I'm genuinely gonna miss the House of Dudes. No, I won't miss the dirty dishes or overflowing garbage or the crowded fridge. I will miss the company, I'm not naturally a solitary person, and I'm started to dread living alone.

Being . . . lonely. I already felt lonely enough in a house of dudes. Sure we say we'll stay in touch, but you know how break ups go.

How will I give Rommel a hard time when the Yankees lose two straight? I have to call. Will I?

Sorry House of Dudes, I just think we should see other people for a while. It's not you it's me.

Another Hit Show

2007-07-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

Legends In Their Own Minds was a big hit last weekend. We sold out both shows and the audience loved it. It was great having Mr. Dobosh, my best friend, in town for a week to do a show. Now he's back in L.A., but we think we may have made a breakthrough. Monologues and storytelling may be a new direction for the comedy troupe THE HABIT. It's easier to rehearse and it's really funny and satisfying. Screw sketch comedy! I think audiences may like this kind of thing better. Now we don't have to spend time rehearsing scenes and flying back and forth from L.A. to Seattle for weeks on end.

I'm taking a little time off, but then I'll be back doing The Mark Siano Soft Rock Spectacular on Sept. 28, 29 and Oct.5,6 at the Re-Bar! We're remounting the show, but I vow to make it much, much better. More dancing and more comedy! Give the audience what it wants!

P.S.
I just bought a scanner too, so I may get back into Calendar Doodling, the original focus of this blog.

2007-07-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

Legends In Their Own Minds

A comedy featuring: Mark Siano, David Swidler, Seth Koellen, Mara Siciliano, Rachel Hynes, Megan Hesscock, and Ryan Dobosh.

This Friday and Saturday July 13 & 14 at The Rendezvous Jewel Box Theatre. 2322 2nd Ave

8pm and $8 at the door.

EXTENDED!

2007-06-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

The Soft Rock Spectacular was so Frickin amazing, that we're doing it again!

Saturday June 30th at the Re-Bar at 8pm. That's right, we killed, and we're out to kill again.

I got my first standing ovation in 8 years last weekend, and I can still hear their screams!

The Mark Siano Soft Rock Spectacular

2007-06-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm performing live this week at the Re-Bar with the most amazing show in the history of mankind. This show is so soft it hurts. It's got the sexy dance troupe THE FREEDOM DANCERS. Guest Singers Joanna Hardie and Laura Etling will sing some Billy Ocean and Phil Collins and Pat Benetar. I'll be laying down the comedy too as I vocally caress the audience with my smoove baritone. June 22nd and 23rd, friday and saturday, at the Rebar in Seattle. 8pm.

I've done a lot of shows in my day, but this might be the most satisfying thing I've ever done. If the audience enjoys watching this show at least a third as much as I enjoy doing it, we're in really good shape.

Up in the air

2007-04-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, confused about what I'm doing with my life. For a while there, I was a really prolific calendar artist, then I started getting up on stage again and I didn't have enough time to invest in the art. Don't be mad, I can't help it, my constantly changing motivation keeps pulling me in different directions. I have to listen to my heart and right now it's telling me "thump bump, thump bump, thump bump", you know what that means.

Next week I've gotta move on out and head to L.A. and then perform a show in Orlando. After that I have no idea where I'll live, but I do have two more gigs in Seattle in June and July. So, I guess I'll keep living here for a while. Then what . . .

This will be a million dollar idea: I think I'll start a go-cart track for drunks. That's always been a dream for me. Instead of using rubber tires as dividers, I'll use common railroad hobos. Drunk on drunk violence will teach everyone a valuable lesson about caring and community, and how we as a society need more recreational activities to enhance our collective quality of life. Finally Skid Row Go-Carts can fill that void.

The Mark Siano Cabaret Encore Presentation April 12

2007-04-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

2007-04-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

This is gonna be an awesome month, I'm calling it now! I got one gig on the 12th and hopefully at least 2 more before the month is through. I'm currently on a "Conquering my fears tour" of Seattle performance. I've done the one man show (with dancers), I've done the stand-up comedy, this week it's doing improv and taking some dance lessons.

The Mark Siano Cabaret was a hit!

2007-03-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

I even actually made some money!

The laughs were big, the houses were good, the audience appeared to be both young and hot! Now I need to take that momentum and keep going. But I really just want to watch a stupid movie! No! Damn it, I'm going to do stand-up open mike tonight, I can put it off no longer.

I'm funny, now I need to be fearless!

The Mark Siano Cabaret March 23, 24 Rebar Seattle

2007-03-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

NEW SHOW!!! I just booked a gig at the Rebar on March 23rd and 24th! The show will be on a Friday and Saturday night at 8:00pm. Rebar is a performance space with a FULL BAR!!! It's located at 1114 Howell Street and the corner of Howell and Boren.

It's called THE MARK SIANO CABARET and it features me for the most part with cameos from a bunch of my friends. I'll be doing some stand-up, story-telling, sketch comedy (w/ some old Habit bits), singing, and some really bad dancing!

This is my most ambitious project to date and it will undoubtedly be hilarious! If you live in this town check it out, if not catch a flight, or craigslist a rideshare, just get here! I'm warning you, if you miss this show, your life will go on pretty much the same as before.

How to Save Iraq by Mark Siano

2007-01-27T14:40:00.000-08:00

Ceasefire Celebration

There is only one thing that both the Sunnis and the Shias can agree on. They both want the United States to leave. Here's the deal. We'll leave, but only if these two warring factions sign a ceasefire.

Now let the party begin. The Iraqis can celebrate saying that they defeated the Americans. Meanwhile Bush can lie and say that a stable democracy has been established and essentially America has won. The Iraqis only have to stick to the ceasefire for a short period of time and then they can decide if they want to split the country along sectarian lines. Sure ceasefires aren't perfect, but if the Israelis and Palestinians can temporarily decrease the violence, so can the Iraqis.

We start leaving and bring in the UN Blue Helmets to help keep the peace. Bring in every Arabic speaker they have and tell the troops that their primary job is to CONGRATULATE THE IRAQIS. Instead of Iraqis firing guns at each other, they turn their guns to the sky in celebration.

The Iraqi government will then declare that after a short time (6 monthes or so) there will be a referendum vote to decide whether the country should be divided. This could also temporarily quell the violence. After living in relative peace for a while, people in Iraq might actually find that they enjoy it!

This plan is far from perfect, but it will save a lot of lives, and it's a hell of a lot better than an escalation.

I think someone punched me in the face!

2007-01-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

I don't remember getting punched in the face. There is a bruise on my nose that I discovered after the Seahawks v. Cowboys game. I don't know how it happened. Yes, I was very intoxicated.

I snuck into the Seahawks game with ease. I showed up in my catering outfit, and flashed my badge at the back gate. That was easy. I brandished my mighty apron when the cop at the sign-in table tried to stop me. Again easy. I slipped past the bag check just like last year and headed for the elevator. There I met a "fellow employee," he was a beer vendor, and together we waited for the elevator. Security told us we didn't get to ride the freight elevator and that we had to take "the ramp." Beer vendor guy was pissed, I acted casually annoyed.

We headed for the ramp, and another security guard stopped us.

"I need to see your wristbands guys," he demanded.

Beer vendor quickly produced his, and I pretended to flash my wristband and attempted to walk away. He didn't fall for it.

"Hold on. Where's your wristband?"

"I missed the check in, I was running late."

"You gotta have that wristband, we're on Code Orange."

"I'll get it from my manager on the club level," I said and walked away uncontested. I never found out what Code Orange meant. I interpreted it as, "let 'em go!"

I walked past a few more gates with my trademark confident "I know what I'm doing" stride. I carried the apron high, so security guards would know that I was not to be fucked with. Walking into the main concourse unobstructed I headed for the bathroom to change. Dropping my apron and putting on some Seahawks gear, I completed the transformation from caterer to superfan.

Without any plan after that, I ventured the stadium in search of a good vantage point to watch the game in case I couldn't get seats. At random I decided to try section 311 to get off my feet for a while.

"Mark!" I heard someone yell. I didn't think anyone I knew was going to be at this game. It was Jenny and Jay sitting in section 311. Jenny is the girl that helped Ryan Dobosh and I sneak into the All-Star game back in 2001. I just have that kind of luck. Fortune favors the bold. I hung with them for a while and they hooked me up with some gloves and a blanket which was extremely helpful, because that stadium was really cold and my catering disguise left me unprepared for the weather. When the game started I found some empty seats in the very front of the upper section. Which was a great vantage point for the game.

The game, ah the game! Jerramy Stevens redeemed (for now). Tony Romo shamed (forever). Cowboys fans humiliated (again!). The Seahawks somehow managed to back into the playoffs, and back off a cliff into the second round.

Even if the Cowboys had kicked that field goal, I still think we would have won on a 80-yard field goal by Josh Brown. Anyway, I drank way too much at that game, and screamed as much as my lungs could handle. I caught a nasty cold, which I feel I had coming anyway, and somehow got punched in the face.

My favorite part of the night is when I left the stadium. I took the wrong exit and ended up on the North end behind Qwest Field. Well, my car was on the South end and I wasn't about to walk ALL THE WAY AROUND THE STADIUM! The back alley behind the stadium is reserved for media and security, but I thought I'd take a short cut though the back alley.

"Stop! You can't go that way!" said a short female security guard that was a little on the portly side.

"Oh yeah?" I replied and started running.

"Stop!" she yelled. I broke into a full sprint as I hit another securtiy check point. "Stop him," I heard the portly one yell.

"Stop right there!" commanded a tall wiry security guard. I side stepped him and kept on running at full speed. "Stop! Stop!" they continued "Stop that man!"

I turned around and to my surprise the portly little girl was still running trying to catch me. So was the wiry guy, but his heart wasn't in it. Still, she kept running after me.

"There's no way you'll catch me!" I yelled at her and took off. I have to admit, I was really impressed by that girl. Few people ever have the guts to actually chase someone. Deliberately, I have done some terrible things in the past, just to see if someone would chase me. They never did. I love being chased. There are few things in life more exhilirating than being chased, especially after your favorite team has just won a big game and your belly is full of vodka. What happened after that is fuzzy, maybe I actually got caught. Maybe someone punched me in the face. I wish I could remember that part, it would make a good end to this story.

Time to Sneak into another Seahawks game!

2007-01-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

Saturday January 6th, the Seattle Seahawks will host the Dallas Cowboys in a playoff showdown. I'll be there and I'm bringing my apron, but I won't be working, I'll be sneaking. Security has changed this year, but I've got my disguise and a new game plan. Check back here in a few days to see if I made it or ended up in jail.

Here's how I did it last year. 2006 No Tickets No Problem.

2007-01-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

2007 Calendar

2007-01-04T00:04:00.000-08:00

2007-01-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

2007-01-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

2007-01-03T23:54:00.000-08:00

2007-01-03T23:53:00.000-08:00

Art Nouveau 2007 Calendar

2006-12-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry everyone, but we got gyped this Christmas! (I can say that, because I'm half Gypsy) Next year, Christmas comes on a Tuesday. We better get that Monday off. New Year's Eve might be up for debate, but not if this Penguin has anything to say about it.

Another preview, and yes, I know the entire calendar isn't "Art Nouveau." I'd say 9 out of 12 monthes are. July, August, and November are a bit more cartoonish. If you'd like one, email me at marxiano@gmail.com.

July 2006

2006-11-18T16:42:00.000-08:00

2007 Calendar Project Preview

2006-11-14T16:34:00.000-08:00

Hopefully the full calendar should be finished by Thanksgiving. Here's a sample of what I've been working on.

Dems take House and Senate- Mark Siano Projects

2006-11-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

The GOP isn't going to mount a battle for Macaca in Virginia.

It took America 6 years to figure out this guy wasn't a good president? We have a serious education gap in this country. 803 days left until George Bush leaves office. To all the people who finally voted Democratic this time, thanks. We could've used you a few years back.

My Dad, the staunch Republican didn't even vote in this last election. I nearly dislocated my jaw when he told me he was happy the Democrats had won. I really can't believe after all these years we're agreeing on national politics. Finally America can come together. Whether you're Republican, Democratic, or a Independent Christian Socialist Libertine, we can all agree that Iraq is a failed policy and that George Bush is full of it.

I give all this talk of bi-partisan politics three to four hours before it turns ugly again. Nancy Pelosi is going to remind Republicans why they hated liberals so much in the first place.

Bumblebee!

2006-10-31T06:57:00.000-08:00

Yo! This is Mukilteo Bumblebee. If Mark ain't gonna write on this thing, I will, since I got his password anyway. Well it's halloween and I am back, and I am ready to throw you a few poems straight from the combs.

Buzz Buzz Honey
Buzz Buzz Money
I don't need no dough
but y'all ought to know
I'm coming for your flowers
I'm not waiting for April showers

Protect the Queen?
That's what I do.
Don't tell me how to live my life.
Unless you are the queen,
in which case I say . . .

Buzz Buzz Queenie
Buzz Buzz Halloweenie
What's good for the queen is good for the hive
I'll dance all day just to stay alive
I'll dance to the left, buzz, dance to the right
I'll dance with the wasps, I'll dance all night

Just to show you,
Where my honey at
Just to give you
the coordinates

I'll rhyme when I want to
Or maybe I won't
Or give ya half ass rhymes
like get in my boat!

That didn't make no sense
and neither does you face
I'll dance and buzz til ya get the picture

Buzz buzz step to the left
fly up straight
loopty loop
Buzz back down
do the double-J scoop

Shake it buzzy Shake it up
Dance c'mon dance dance buzz

Damn!

I'm dancing like this and dancing like that
Now you know where my honey's at

I know all you kids are dying to be
Just like the original,Mukilteo Bumblebee

The Brothers have worked it out.

2006-10-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

The Brothers are alright. Representatives for the Fire have said that the Fire is going to go underground for the next few years, maybe come out with a new, bigger fire in 2008.

THE BROTHERS ARE ON FIRE!!!

2006-10-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

The Brothers are on fire! Hey! Hey! Fire! Fire!

The's a huge forest fire in The Brothers wilderness area! The Brothers is that big double peak you can see across the water from Seattle. The Brothers just happen to be be my favorite mountain (is it plural if it's one mountain?) in the Olympic Mountain Range. And that mountain is currently on fire. The Brothers are on fire!

I've never seen anything like it. Even when I lived in L.A., where there are forest fires all the time, you could never see the distant plumes from Downtown or Hollywood or anything like that.

The fire was first reported Wednesday Oct.10. The muthafuckin Brothers have been on fire since at least Oct 4! That's when I noticed a plume of smoke coming off the mountain. I never reported it. I figured one of these guy would have said something.

Maybe some forest department official . . . ?
It's right there people! Seattle has had clear skies for nearly everyday in October. At first I thought The Brothers might be ready to blow up or something, but The Brothers are not volcanic.
Shouldn't this be bigger news? Local camera crews LOVE a good forest fire, its a ratings machine! I guess Seattle is just gonna chill and see what happens, no biggy.

If this was the Simi Valley or Valencia people would be freaking out!

Well I'm sorry I didn't say anything about it earlier, but apparently they just wait to see if these things burn themselves out.

HOWEVER, if it gets out of hand, I'm gonna be organizing a fire fighting car pool! I've got room in my car for at least two. Bring a bucket.

We can do this blog community. Bloggers turned the 2004 presidential campaign on its head. Bloggers have outed countless prominent closet gays. Now the blog communtiy is going to have to put out a forest fire. We can do it bloggers, save The Brothers!

June 2006

2006-10-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

Blam! The European Calendars are almost finished. Special thanks again to Franco for making my 30th birthday an unforgettable one, and thanks for encouraging me to drink that much wine. I never made contact with that ping pong ball that night.

Princess destroys Venice

2006-10-02T06:37:00.000-07:00

VENICE 2006-- In retaliation for being forced to wait 4 hours for docking in an April 2005 Princess vacation cruise to Venice, Captain Ernesto Poretta responded this time by taking docking procedures into his own hands.

"I don't have time for this bullshit, the buffet has been picked clean, the line up for shuffleboard is around the pool. If we can't use the grand canal, no one will."

Even though Venetian port authorities assured Cpt. Poretta that the wait for docking would be less than an hour, the captain took immediate action.

"Less than an hour?!? That's what they said last time. The dock is right frickin there! Do I look like a moron? These damn city officials probably don't even remember me. Well now they will." Then the Captain aimed the mighty cruise liner at the heart of St. Mark's square, sending Venetian vendors, pigeons, and tourists fleeing in terror.

"I'm gonna rip this bitch a new one!" screamed the captain as the hull of the boat ripped through St. Mark's square.

Venitian city officials have yet to comment on the new canal.

2006-09-26T23:39:00.000-07:00

MAY 2006. Sicily, Rome, and Spain. This calendar features two of my favorite days in Europe. The first was hiking Stromboli to see the volcano eruptions, and the other was soaking in the Arabian Baths of Granada.

2006-09-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

Aprile! The calendar doodler is back, and more behind schedule than ever!

Marzo

2006-09-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

Full size March

Stromboli at Dawn

2006-09-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

(Stalling for calendars) There is an exhibit at the EMP of Paul Allen's personal collection, and he has a photograph of Stromboli at Dawn. This photo is much better. Hey Paul, can I get a grant, please?

Venice and Barcelona

2006-09-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

The Calendars should be finished by the end of the month.

What now . . .

2006-09-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

I used to draw calendars.

We're gonna Party like it's 1999!

2006-08-27T22:50:00.000-07:00

After being back in Seattle for a month, with the same job, but a better apartment, it feels like the last 4 months in Europe never even happened. Then with Erika and Ryan back in town, it feels like the last 7 years never even happened.

I have two best friends, one for each gender. They've been away for a long time and this rare moment was a tremendous cause for celebration. I filled my freezer with liquor, and we filled the streets of Seattle with love.

The first major event was GAY KARAOKE! Ryan got right off the plane and met everybody at a big purple gay bar. Joanna sang "Don't leave me this way," and you could say she soft rocked the house. Ryan picked that song for her long ago, but we're not giving him any Karaoke prize money. Erika doesn't even like karaoke, but she was the one that made us all meet there, which of course turned out to be an appropriately fun yet kinda awkward night. Which is the way I like it, awkward is the new funny.

The next day, I got work off and we went to Seattle's 1-90 lid park. 7 years ago we took a series of pictures out there, and now we ritualistically returned to that spot to see how the years have treated us. Erika has aged gracefully, and Ryan has refashioned himself as the illustrated man. He may have tattoos on his arm, but he helps kids stay in school! What a dirty steamy photo shoot, damn. Lake Washington is gonna need a shower, and a really big towel.

Looking at these photos now I realize that I look like shit! All those late nights drinking and eating large servings apparently have taken a toll. Is this what 30 looks like?!? I like to be hard on myself, because apparently no one else cares that I'm letting it go. I should be working out, not blogging. Forget that, it's party recounting time!!!

Hell, we even partied in Mukilteo. Then we rode the ferry just so we could go to a Pirate Party on Whidbey island. We destroyed that island! By the end of the night we were whipping people on the beach with bullwhip seaweed. Hell that was the beginning of the night. Later we were photographed riding the roof of a minivan! 'Cause that's how Whidbey people roll man.

Oh and we had a huge R. Kelly movie watching party. That movie is genius damn it. Please make more and don't let anyone intelligent ever speak to R. Kelly. Just keep doing your thing brother. I want 10 more episodes of "Trapped in the Closet!"

Plus my sister Lieta was back in town from the Southwest, adding another layer to the insanity. We even had a Radiohead Geek out party and listened to the new Thom Yorke album. Ryan's favorite part was undoubtedly the games of dominoes played at my apartment and watching the sunset from Patrick's patio.

Then there was the Mariner's game. Patrick and the David Swidler rallied to meet at the ballpark. We got pleasantly wasted, and we were loved by the crowd around us. I was drunk and thrown out of the game, but not for being belligerent. They could tell by the way I cradled my large Coca-Cola, that perhaps there was more to it. She sniffed the cup and called me drunk. The alcohol enforcement officers surrounded me and ushered me to the isle and out of the stands.

She wanted to know how I got the rum in. I kinda revealed my secrets and she said.

"You have two options, either you can leave now, or I can call security."

"I have a third option," I said "let me stay!" All this while wearing a promotional rally towel on my head. "You haven't had any complaints have you."

"No," she said. Apparently, I thought this gave me the moral high ground and for the next ten minutes I attempted to reason my way back into the game. After that, I tried a little charm and that got the job done.

"Search me," I encouraged her to search me many times, but she wouldn't do it.

"C'mon it will be fun!" I exclaimed. That's where she gave in, better to let the drunkard back in then pat him down. Triumphantly, I returned to game. Standing just beneath the bleachers, I am sure she heard the burst of yelling and applause as I reentered the game. You made the right choice young lady. As soon as I was back the Mariner's tied the game and I told all those damn Yankee fans to, "SHUT UP!"

Even better, the game stayed tied until the bottom of the ninth. When Adrian Beltre hit a game winning walk off home run, and we all went home supremely happy. Then when we walked into the brand new bar by Safeco, the bartenders recognized us and gave us at least a hundred dollars worth of free beer and shots. Fortune favors the bold.

A fine week my friends, it's a good thing we don't hang out together all the time, someone might get really hurt.

Garmisch-Partenkirchen

2006-08-24T00:17:00.000-07:00

Rome

2006-08-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

Rome seemed quiet and total unthreatening while I was there. However, some friends of mine just got back from Rome where they got mugged by three men in the train station. The lesson to be learned here is don't go Rome in July and August. Summer is peak season for most large tourist cities in Italy, and in a city like Rome, the theives will be waiting for you at the Train station.

Pietrapetrosa, Basilicata, Italy

2006-08-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

2006-08-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

Salzburg, Austria

2006-08-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

Final European Dispatch

2006-07-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

It looks like the mission to Europe was a failure. What was the mission again? Uh . . .? Ummmm . . . ? Oh, yeah, to find a purpose in life. Mission failed. What do I want to be when I grow up? What kind of career I should pursue? I still have no idea.

I was hoping that four workless monthes of leisure would give me time to contemplate my future direction, instead I spent my time answering challenging questions like, 'should I have chocolate gelato or limone?', or 'should I go swimming now, or go back to bed?', or 'maybe I should get some health insurance.' However, I do know this: I have a promising headstart in the lucrative field of unemployed international psuedo-artistic vagabond. Actually, I make a terrific house guest, and I was so successful in my first assignment that I was offered an extension.

Angelo Brambilla, who has been hosting Joanna and I for the summer, asked us if we would like to stay a month or so longer and go sailing with him. I was hoping he would ask us this very question all summer, but the question came just a little too late. It is unquestionably time to go, the money is all gone, and it is too damn hot in Milan to spend another night here.

If you have been following this blog, you will know that I have burned my ass twice now. It has gone from white, to red, to pink, to peeling, to red, to white with pink splotches, to . . . Well I managed to burn it again yesterday. This time there was no nudity involved, it happened when I sat on a rock! I was even wearing a cold wet bathing suit, still that rock, which had been baking in the sun all day, actually burnt my skin like a frying pan through my shorts. That's how fucking hot it is here.

THE HUMIDITY, THE HUMIDITY!

I can't stand stale hot air with no circulation, and since ancient Medolanum was built on top of a swamp, the place is also plagued with an endless army of hungry mosqitoes! Joanna and I are covered with mosqito bites. Trying to sleep in Milan is so hot and unpleasant that we have retreated to Angelo's basement where we sleep in a sealed tent to avoid those blood sucking bastards. I am tired of being itchy and sweaty.

Leaving Europe is never desirable, but in July it's much, much easier. I can not wait to see Seattle. The tempature will be perfect, my friends will be there, I already have a few parties to attend, and I missed a bunch of great new movies. There is Bandidas, and The Devil Wears Prada, and that charming new Jennifer Aniston film I just HAVE to see.

Since the scooter accident a week ago, (I'm fine by the way) our final week of vacation has been great. We went to the island of Korcula, where Marco Polo was born. Then we headed to Dubrovnik, which, despite the recent war, has been beautifully rebuilt with marble streets and red clay roofs. From Dubrovnik we watched Italy win the World Cup and then we rented a car and headed for the interior. We saw the waterfalls of Krka National Park and went to an abandoned castle in the tourist free city of Knin. We then spent two days at the magnificent Plitvich National Park, which has the most beautiful waterfalls I have ever seen. Then we drove into Bosnia for dinner. The nearest town to the national park was called Bihac (hilariously pronounced Bee-ach or Biatch) and we couldn't resist.

When crossing the border into Bosnia-Herzegovinia expect to spent more than a few minutes with the autorities, there are four seperate check points on the way through, and everyone is deadly serious. Once inside Bosnia, you immediately notice the drastic drop in the quality of life. Abandoned buildings, stray dogs, aimless people walking in the middle of the street, and beggars in the parking lot. The countryside however was quite pleasant, and we encounted our first Mosque of the trip, complete with a large dome and missle shaped tower. I had read that Bosnia was primarily an Eastern Orthodox Christian country, but while we were in Bihac, I saw four mosques and no churches. The population of this Biatch didn't look like my stereotypes of muslims, only one woman wore a head scarf, and the rest were wearing booberific tank tops as they headed for the bars. This was the first time I had ever heard the call to prayer, and I found it quite beautiful and haunting as it was broadcast from the loudspeakers attached to the mosque. I thought people were supposed to stop and pray, but no one even paused, and I also got the impression that if I were to spend four monthes listening to the call to prayer everyday, I might need to get some earplugs. The school yard across the street from the mosque was the most dramatic evidence we saw of the war. The backboard of the basketball hoop was cracked and crumbling and the walls were riddled with bulletholes. I was so spooked that I was afraid to even take a picture. We had a rather lame meal of grilled meat, fried bread, and beer which only cost about 3 dollars and we headed swiftly back to Croatia, where we spent another twenty minutes at the border, as they searched our rental car. Thanks Bihac, we'll be sure to recommend you to no one.

After that we headed back to the coast and caught a bus back to Italy and a train back to Milan. I fell asleep that night at the bar as we attempted to have drinks with Chiara and friends. We also went to the Ligurian coast with Franco and enjoyed a spectacular apperitivo with Mojitos on the cliffs of Rocco, where we had the 'real original' foccacia, which is delicious but just a little too cheesy to properly digest. Since then it's been shopping and more shopping, I got an Italian suit and some Italian shoes and Joanna is searching for more stuff now as I blog away.

Tomorrow we fly to London and then Wednesday we will be back in Seattle. Thanks a lot to all of you who read this, sent me emails, and extra kudos to those who left comments. It was really nice to have your feedback way out here, half a world away. It was like you were keeping Joanna and I company and it made the terrible moments, like burning my ass, and crashing into a wall, a lot more tolerable, because we knew that at least they would be good for a laugh on the old blog. I had a lot of fun writing, and the internet cafes of Europe thank you for encouraging me to write more. I am sorry about the grammar and weak-ass sentence structure, I'm simply to poor to do any proper editing.

Peace be with you, and stay tuned for more ridiculously beautiful photos.

Congrats Italia 2006 Campioni Del Mundo, I am sorry I ever doubted you.

Day of Destruction- Croatian Edition ČĆŽĐŠŽ

2006-07-08T03:15:00.000-07:00

This is Joanna writing. I have agreed to write this entry since Mark was whining that his arm hurt when he held it in a typing position. The truth is, it does look pretty painful, but it's my opinion that he's being lazy as well. If you're interested in learning what happened to Mark's arm, well, read on.

It all began on the Island of Hvar, in a little port town called Jelsa (pr. Yell-sa). The weather was beautiful and, having heard tell of famous nude beaches, Mark convinced me we should rent a scooter and search one out.

"Maybe we could rent bikes." I tried to compromise.

"But a scooter would be faster." Mark countered, "What if the road is steep?"

"Well, how about renting a little boat - then we could find a cove completely unreachable by land!"

"Scooter, scooter!" After that he would only beat-box a techno-scooter rave mix. You see what I was up against.

So I consented and we found the cheapest scooter rental in town. Mark was shaky at the beginning, but quickly got the hang of the little scooter (max speed, 40 kph) and my nerves began to calm as well. The road to Kamp Nudist was gently winding, with beautiful Adriatic views. There was only one problem. With me on the back of the bike, Mark was too far forward on the seat to see the rearview mirror. Our short term remedy for this was that I would continually look back and tell him if there were cars behind us, because they would undoubtably want to pass our slow, wobbly ass. We reached the campground where the beach was quite crowded, so we decided to head back along the road to find a more secluded spot. Before we revved up, though, Mark decided to "fix" the mirror.

"I'll just quickly adjust this before we go..." He said, grabbing the mirror and wrenching it back, "Why won't this move..." SNAP!

The whole mirror, stem and all, fell to the ground. Oh, and don't think this was some kind of breakaway safety mirror. It wasn't.

We took it in stride. I mean, the mirrors must break all the time if someone can break it just by pulling on it with all their might, you know?

We continued on. We found the perfect sunbathing spot, with just a little bit of shade and no one else around. Being very pale (understatement), I always slather myself with sunblock, and in the nude I was even more diligent. Mark, however, has that knee-to-waist white girdle, bordered by tan, and by gum he was going to change that!

He had already worked on that white area some in Germany. On a walk around the spectacular Eibsee Lake, we encountered a secluded stretch where sunbathing nude seemed to be required. Of course, we had to comply. My usual sunblock ritual ensued, but Mark saw this as an opportunity to prepare for Croatia. Later that evening, we both laughed heartily at Mark's pink bottom. That is, until he had to sit on the bus to Croatia the next day for 15 hours with a sunburnt ass. Then I was the only one laughing.

You would think he would have learned something from this. We spent at least four hours roasting beside the Adriatic, and now his ass is no longer mozzarella, it's marinara!

Soon, however, the destruction was to continue. Back in Garmisch, when we discovered the Eibsee and the beautiful swimming pool, the Kaisenbad, we bought two inflatable floaty-things to take to the water with us. Oh, those floaty things had become much more than just flotation devices to us. They protected us from hard beach surfaces, they provided shade when it got too extreme, they even supported our exhausted, beer-bloated bodies at night in our tent. But now, as Mark was floating serenely on the buoyant salt water, the unthinkable happened: Floaty thing met Karstic rock.

Any tourist brochure on Croatia will tell you it's essential to have rubber shoes on hand to combat this razor sharp Karst so it's easy to imagine who won the battle of floaty vs. karst. The image of Mark weeping softly into the still inflated pillow while the matress bubbled under like the Lusitania is forever seared into my brain.

Still, the death of Floaty didn't dampen our spirits much. As we packed up we gushed, "What a perfect day," and, "This day will stand out as one of the pinnacles of the trip," and on and on. Well, we were right.

Back on the scooter, we decided to take the road to Zavala - a harrowing mountain pass, according to Lonely Planet. Could we have a little more information PLEASE?

We approached a sign: Tunnel 1.4 km. As we rounded a bend, the mouth of the tunnel came into sight, flanked by a traffic light, currently red. A more rustic tunnel entrance could not be imagined. The tunnel was hewn out of the rock and the craggy walls were left au naturale. After about five feet, there was nothing but blackness. We pulled off a little to the side and waited for the light to turn green, our aprehension growing with every minute that ticked by, and every car that pulled up behind us. When the light turned green, we waved on all the cars ahead of us. This proved to be wise, as they raced away into the tunnel much faster than we wanted to go. We entered the tunnel, the dripping walls and unfinished dirt road illuminated by the headlights of the cars ahead of us.

Wait. Ahead of us!?!

"The lights!" We gasped together. The pitch blackness was closing in around us and the end of the tunnel was nowhere in sight. I reached around Mark with my right hand and started pushing all the buttons I could find. After what seemed like a minute or more, but was really only a few terrifying seconds, the lights popped on. We exhaled in unison, our hearts pounding to the jolts on the road.

Once out of the tunnel, we pulled over to recover and take in the view. We felt shaky, but fortified by our ordeal. If we could pull that off, we really were getting the hang of the Scooter.

We started off once more. I was gazing around at the amazing view, turquoise water and azure sky, with an occasional prudent look over my shoulder in my role as rearview mirror replacement.

"I can really see the draw of these things now," Mark yelled back to me, "I should get one!"

Then we encountered our first sharp turn.

I'll never know what was going through Mark's mind at the time. Perhaps he was entranced by the surroundings, as I was. Perchance he felt a newfound confidence and a need for speed after enduring the tunnel adventure. Whatever the cause, we entered the turn with the wind whipping through our hair and by the time Mark realized we couldn't turn that sharply at that speed, we skidded side long into the gravelly shoulder, and coming up fast on our right was a traditional Croatian guardrail - namely a stone wall. Mark squeezed the brakes, but it was just a little too late. We tore into that wall, and the wall took a piece of Mark as a keepsake.

I did a quick body inventory and realized everything was intact, if a little crunched. Then I turned my attention to Mark. Now, I will tell you now that Mark is OK. Nothing broken, in other words, but there next to that wall he had to do a bodily inventory to make sure. His right arm and leg were scraped and bleeding, yes, but it could have been a lot worse, is all I'm saying. He could have lost a limb. So all this, "I can't type," and "It hurts to sleep on my side," and "Ow, salt water stings!" is just ungrateful drivelling. (photos of the gore will follow soon!)

As soon as we had Mark cleaned up a bit, we turned our attention to the bike. We took no pictures because we're a little ashamed, but the whole right side was covered with scrapes. On the side, by where my leg would have been, there was a discernible dent and a 6" scratch. The front panel had many scratches and a hairline crack, and the paint bordering the headlight was scraped off in a patch about the size of a quarter, though thankfully it was still working. And these were just the worst dings. We knew we'd have some explaining to do.

When our nerves were sufficiently calm, we got back on the bike and by creeping around every turn and pulling over to let every car pass us, we made it to the other coast of the island. It was still hot, so we headed out to find a secluded cove. We found a nice pebbly beach (to Croations, pebbles are about the size of potatoes) and Mark gritted his teeth and waded into the water to bathe the wounds.

"It burns, IT BURNS!"

"That means it's disinfecting! Thats good!" I chimed in.

"I'm melting," he whined.

Eventually, we had to get back on the scooter and make our way back along the winding road and back through that tunnel, back to Jelsa to turn in the scooter. Honestly, we tried to stick the mirror back on and pretend like nothing happened. Mark even put on a long sleeved shirt and jeans to hide his carnage, but the mirror wouldn't stay and we knew we had to fess up.

When we pulled in to the lot, which was really just the loading area of a small produce market, the scooter man immediately saw a scratch on the side of the bike. It was pretty dark by then (as we had planned) so I made a bold move, if I may say so.

"Yes, as you can see, the mirror broke off." I produced the mirror from the hatch and waved it around hypnotically, willing him not to look at the front of the bike where the scrapes were much worse.

"How did that happen?"

"It got caught on some...branches and snapped off," I continued lamely. It seemed to work, however, because instead of continuing to inspect the bike, he went for the boss. This was a stroke of luck for us because the boss didn't look at the bike at all.

"This is OK," he said, indicating the scratch, "But the mirror...I'll have to call my supplier and you must pay for it."

"OK!" We agreed, maybe a little too eagerly. I was standing very close to the scratched side of the bike, hoping to discourage him from coming over for a closer look.

He got off the phone with his supplier and told us the damage. "One hundred and thirty-five kuna," which is about $30. We made a show of finding enough cash on us, gave it to him, and by the end he was apologizing to us for having to make us pay. We assured him it was OK, then we turned and calmly walked out the door. As soon as we were out of view, we ran for the nearest alley.

Just after our escape, on our way to buy some much needed wine, as if the destruction were following us, we saw a van crush a kids' bike.

Needless to say, the next morning we were on the first bus out of town.

GOODBYE GERMANY (photo time!)

2006-07-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

Goodbye Germany, we will really miss you. Stay cool and have a rad summer.

Our stay in Garmisch-Partenkirchen was by far the most relaxing part of the long vacation, and the scenery was spectacular. Above are photos from Partnaklamm and Höllentaklamm, two amazing gorges where you walk through the canyon, weaving in and out of wet tunnels and suspended catwalks, along glaciers and under waterfalls. It was amazing but it is now time to go.

We are headed to the Croatian islands, where I will unfurl my hard won 215 pound naked, brautwurst and beer filled body on the nudist beaches of the Dalmatian Islands. There will be no photos. Sorry.

This will be our final adventure before heading home, so Croatia better be "Fucking Amazing" as Joanna said, because leaving Germany is not going to be easy. See you soon Seattle.

Check out the photos below.

"Huge" head scar courtesy the Countess

2006-07-01T07:17:00.000-07:00

You asked for it, and now you got it. It will surely make a nasty scar, and this picture doesn´t even show the other scar farther back on my head. Are you happy now? It only cost me 15€ to download that photo.

USA After the game and before, the life of a sign

2006-07-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

American fans and Seattle friends Jaime, Chase, Shane, Jason, Joanna, and I, show our enthusiasm before the game, with our super popular sign. Then the dejection of the loss and a sign transformed.

Croatia better look like this!

2006-07-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

This is the Puglian Italian side of the Adriatic sea, Croatia is supposed to be even better. We head to Croatia Monday.

Germany defeats Argentina

2006-07-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

AND THE CROWD GOES WILD. We travelled to Munich to watch the Germans win in Penalty Kicks over the Argenitians. It was a riot watching the game with hundreds of crazy Germans at the huge Munich fan fest. In fact, there was almost a riot. On the train ride home, the whole train was singing and jumping and dancing, we were rocking that train good. I thought the whole thing was going to derail in the tunnel. Italy v Gemany next, GO AZZURI!