My Patrick Swayze Article for Sun Break

The temptation to make jokes about Patrick Swayze's passing is strong. I understand this instinct, his legacy is burned into the minds of generations of moviegoers. I will pass on these silly puns about "corners" and "the wind," because although his association with iconic ironic '80s nostalgia and cheesy one-liners may damn him to good-hearted ridicule, we all know that he was something greater--Swayze was the most talented movie star of our lifetime and a man who forever transformed our culture.

Not since Gene Kelly has one man destroyed a nation with charisma and charm, but also with a gift for song and a unwavering devotion to dance. There aren't many men in the movie star stratosphere who can claim the triple threat title, sure there was always John Travolta, a terrifically multi-talented performer. But forgive me Mr. Travolta, you are no Swayze.

Gene Kelly believed that the only hope for the American Movie Musical was Swayze. Late in his life he passed the baton on to a Swayze in hopes that he could revive the dying American art form. Swayze was never successful in resurrecting the Rodgers-and-Hammerstein-style musical, it was a bygone era that had as much hope in returning to prominence as the Western. Swayze's success in cinema achieved an even higher goal, and what he did for American culture as a whole far surpasses what Gene Kelly had intended. He handed us a gift so great, that it lives on today and for decades to come.

Swayze made it cool to dance again.

Sure people were still bopping and grinding around dance floors. But I'm talking about dancing . Grab your partner, spin her around, lift her up, hold her close and don't you dare let her go, especially if she's above your head eight feet in the air. Swayze brought back an art that had nearly vanished and introduced a whole generation to couples dancing.

He did it by achieving what had seemed impossible in a culture of naysayers--he made dancing look masculine. The art of dance for men had lost its luster, men were chided for dancing for being "girly" or "gay." Women and gay men have always been comfortable with learning to dance, but straight men couldn't seem to come to terms with it. Somehow Swayze could pull off a step-ball-change-high-kick-back-step-triple-pirouette and still look like he was about to kick your ass after brushing the beautiful hair from his face.

Siano displays his Swazye-inspired moves with fellow dancer Laura DiMarco (photo by Victoria VanBruinisse)

Without Swayze you wouldn't see the massive return of ballroom dancing that we enjoy today. And male performers aren't afraid to show off some serious dance moves from fear of being labeled a ninny. Justin Timberlake is a rock-star-sex-god when he dances , Hugh Jackman's dance moves are turning him into a modern day Casanova, and huge droves of young men are packing dance halls and classrooms all in an attempt to prove they are strong, stylish, and masculine.

Now, every girl likes a boy who can dance. Especially if he looks like he might be a bit of a bad-ass underneath with a heart of gold. Dancing is cool again, everyone! Now pay homage to the man who made it possible. Thank you Swayze, the world is a better place having known you. I'm off to work on my triple pirouette.

Mark Siano performs his new comedy cabaret "Back to the Soft Rock" October 9 and 10 at The Triple Door (info/tix). Should you wish to see Swayze's on-screen magic, Central Cinema is presenting Dirty Dancing (though tonight) and Roadhouse (through Thursday). Here's their schedule.

BACK TO THE SOFT ROCK- OCT. 9, 10 The Triple Door, Mark Siano and The Freedom Dancers

The new poster for the new show.

Rock Softly Carry a Big Shtick

By Michael Upchurch

Seattle Times arts writer

"You guys ready to rock ... softly?"

That question came from singer-dancer-comedian Mark Siano at a jampacked gig at Seattle's Triple Door nightclub in January.

And the answer, apparently, is: Yes, Seattle is ready.

Siano and his six accomplices, the Freedom Dancers ("five beautiful women and one buff gay dude"), have acquired a feverish cult following around town over the past two years with their cheesy dance routines, their even cheesier costume changes and Siano's mocking yet impassioned interpretations of AM radio hits of the 1980s and '90s.

The troupe also has two Bollywood numbers in its repertoire ("the soft rock of the East"), along with several Siano originals: the Kama Sutra-inspired "We Did It Like This, We Did It Like That," the keyboard ballad "Lady Heart" ("I've got to touch your lady heart / Before I touch your lady parts") and a glorious paean to the complications of media-age romantic communication, "Up in Your Inbox."

The 32-year-old Siano is, in short, a very funny guy who, with a little help from his friends, has been reducing Seattle to giggles since the mid-1990s.

Some locals will know him from The Habit, a sketch-comedy troupe as sharp and gifted as they come. Others may have encountered his one-man show, "Pinko Holiday," about his trip to the Beijing Olympics, where he managed to display a political protest sign in the women's basketball arena.

Lately, Siano has curated and hosted a series of Seattle cabarets. The latest, "The Clandestine Cabaret," happens next Friday and Saturday at The Little Theater on Capitol Hill. In the meantime Siano and the Freedom Dancers are working up a big show, with more original tunes by Siano, for The Triple Door in October.

During a recent interview at his studio apartment on Capitol Hill, Siano talked about The Habit, soft rock and other vital matters.

The habit of laughing

Siano was born in Chicago but considers Seattle his hometown. He attended the University of Washington and by age 19 had formed The Habit with fellow students Ryan Dobosh, John Osebold (now of the band/performance outfit "Awesome"), Jeff Schell, Tommy Smith, David Swidler and Luke Thayer. The original name of the troupe paid homage to scientist Humphry Davy, inventor of nitrous oxide (laughing gas). Legend has it that Davy once inhaled himself into a coma — from which he emerged a few days later, still laughing.

"We loved that story so much, we called ourselves Humphry's Habit — the habit of getting together and laughing."

In 1998, they shortened it to The Habit. After a greatest-hits show at Seattle's Bathhouse Theater in 2002, they headed for Los Angeles, hoping to get their own TV series. That didn't happen, and by 2006 a downcast Siano was back in Seattle.

"I was going to stop performing in theater and comedy," he recalls. "I was convinced that I was through with it."

He took a day job in a medical clinic where, unlikely as it sounds, the seeds of his future soft-rock "spectaculars" were planted.

"The music that you can listen to — you only get one choice, really. And that's soft rock. It's Warm 106.9 or nothing."

Siano, ever the "jokester," started parodying the clinic's bland musical fare and got "a lot of laughs" from his co-workers. Then he tried out the same routine at some comedy-club open mikes and elicited a similar response.

"So that," he recalls," became my thing: Hey, I'm a soft-rock guy. Different guys, they like hard rock, or they like rap, or they're hip-hop. I'm kind of a soft-rock guy."

What started as a joke became a serious urge to get back onstage. "I caught the bug all over again," he says. "I wanted to sing. I wanted to make people laugh."

No more "wild" shows

Siano's big soft-rock break came when he got a call from local nightclub Re-Bar, asking if he could put together a show in three weeks: "At first I was freaked out. Then I thought: You know, if I cobble together all my old material, grab a bunch of my friends, start a little dance troupe — yeah, I can put on a show in three weeks!"

From there, Siano's new act took off.

The dance routines — class them under the Hectic Calisthenics School of Pop Choreography — are collaborations between Siano and his fellow dancers. Their inspirations include a lot of 1980s videos and repeated viewings of "Flashdance" and "Dirty Dancing." Siano admits that none of them are formally trained dancers. But, he says, they're stage naturals who "can really shake it."

The performer's vocal background consists of doing musicals in high-school and college. Shortly after graduating from the UW, he got gigs at the Village Theatre in Issaquah, but he worries that he may have gotten "too wild" there: "The last show I did, they didn't give me any direction. They just said, 'Just sing the song and get a few laughs.' I got a little too creative. I went out into the audience. I scared the people in the music pit. Once I left the building entirely and came back in through a different entrance. I hope one day they'll have me back. I think I have to convince them that I've grown up since."

As for his new show's song selections, they're more than just a joke to him.

"I know to a lot of people who come to see it, they enjoy it because they think that music is funny. I enjoy it because I really love that kind of music. I enjoy people who sing full voice," he says, "and aren't afraid to say a few cheesy things. Because love can be 'cheesy' — it's OK."

Soft-rock, he notes, with its "soaring" melodies also gives you a chance to show off: "It's not so much about being clever as it is about just being as beautiful as you can."

Still, he's not unaware of certain insidious aspects of the genre.

When I mention recently hearing Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody To Love" — a raw slice of psychedelia when it hit the airwaves in 1967 — being played in the hallways of a medical-dental office as though it were off some E-Z listening compilation, Siano pronounces in oracular tones: "Soft rock is a black hole. Anything that isn't deliberately metal will eventually get sucked into soft rock."

Michael Upchurch: mupchurch@seattletimes.com

Seattle Times Mark Siano Interview and Feature

"Siano is, in short, a very funny guy who, with a little help from his friends, has been reducing Seattle to giggles since the mid-1990s."

Lady Heart, by Mark Siano live at The Triple Door 1/30/09

The Clandestine Cabaret- March 20, 21

Freedom Dancer Trading Cards

Soft Rock at The Triple Door January 30th Mark Siano and The Freedom Dancers

SOFT ROCK at The Triple Door January 30

Mark Siano and the Freedom Dancers present the latest installment of their popular Soft Rock series. Siano will flex his comedy and vocal chops, while the beautiful and funny dancers tear up the stage, take to the air and strap on roller skates, softly. Do not miss this spectacular culmination of Siano's two-year journey into softness.

Tickets on sale now. http://thetripledoor.net/

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE next to Benaroya Hall.

Friday January 30th, 2 shows, 7:30 and 10:30.

check out the amazing photoshoot!

Theatre Dangerously Returns 11/21/08

Theatre Dangerously
A co-production with Washington Ensemble Theatre

November 21st, Friday, 2 shows
8pm and 11pm

The Little Theater (Home of Washington Ensemble Theatre)
608 19th Ave E
Seattle, WA 98112
(CORNER OF MERCER AND 19th on Capitol Hill next to the Kingfish Cafe)

Tickets available only at the door, $10
206-898-3644

The Line-up:

-John Osebold, new songs from the "Awesome" guitarist and vocalist
-Solomon Georgio, stand-up from the winner of the Stranger Gong Show
-Blood Squad, slasher satire from Seattle's top improv team
-Becky Poole, absurd comedy from one of Seattle's favorite new performers
-Cherry Manhattan, burlesque from the beautiful Katjana Vadeboncoeur
-Mara Siciliano & Sam Pettit, high voltage original dance and choreography
-Luke Thayer and David Swidler, sketch comedy from old members of The Habit
~and~
-The Freedom Dancers, performing they're hugely popular and acclaimed "Bollywood" number

MARK SIANO: PINKO HOLIDAY

Opens Friday! Oct. 10, 11, 17, 18, at the Rendezvous Jewel Box Theatre, 2232 2nd Ave. Seattle.

Oh the people you'll meet

This is a huge thank you to all the great people I spent time with during my travels in Southeast Asia and China.

Traveling solo can be lonely at times, but meeting all of you was what made it such a satisfying and enriching adventure, thank you for being gracious hosts, and for being daring and trusting friends. (names have been spared to protect the innocent)

It's great to be home in Seattle, but I miss my new travel buddies. If any of you ever make it out here look me up. We'll start the photo journal of awesome and beautiful faces in CHINA!!!






















VIETNAM



LAOS







THAILAND











And we'll finish in the infamous--
MUDLAND








That's what they mean by blue eyed devil.

"IT IS FORBIDDEN"

But I did it anyway.
It is expressly forbidden to display political signs in Olympic venues, or on Olympic grounds, or anywhere in China for that matter. But I would not be deterred. (Damn it I blinked!) USA vs. China -Women's Basketball, I was there and I unfurled this sign. "USA Out of Iraq, and into the Medal Round." How did I sneak the sign in you may ask?
First I had to beg some volunteers to give me a large piece of paper or poster board. I noticed they had large scale maps that were blank on the back. But, they too, were forbidden. "Just give me the map, I'll give you a free handball ticket." The girls at the volunteer kiosk wouldn't let go of the map. So I did what I thought was best, I said, "I'm taking the map!" and I ran away. Then I found a nearby mall (which was formerly a mosque, sorry Islam) and I frantically went looking for something to write with. On the top floor there was a children's store with lots of tiny little markers, the clock was ticking and the night's events were about to begin. My Canadian friend Cassie (her shirt says 50% Chinese, 50% Italian, All Canadian), who was coming to the games with me joined me at the children's store, and we drew up the map as fast as possible, with dozens of Chinese onlookers wondering what the hell are they doing?

Having the protest sign on the back of a map was the perfect distraction to get it past the Chinese sensors. I just folded it up with the "USA out of Iraq" part hidden and slid right on in. Layer after layer of security let me and my giant map go through without questioning.

We had the map at the swimming event, but its true destination was the USA basketball game. I raced across town after swimming and once again made it into another venue with no one looking inside my map. My seats were nowhere near the court, but I broke out the sign and got a lot of laughs and applause and a lot of photographs. There was one Australian who kept yelling "Security! Security! We have a breach! Free speech over here, security!"

Naturally I decided I wanted to get closer to the court, so I knew I would have to sneak down. This is China, and it's not like a sporting event in Seattle, or at all like Athens, where you can just act confident and walk past one or two ushers and grab a really good seat. Sure there are empty seats everywhere (well done China/Cosport!) but in China, they are checking tickets, even the old beer in each hand doesn't work. Look how many guards are at each entrance; 8 volunteers per gate, and no other spectators to distract.

Finally I managed to get by a giggling girl and a distracted young man. The next person yelled, "Ticket, ticket." I pointed like back at the other ushers and then back at the stands as if to say, "yeah they checked me, I'm right down here.

FIFTH ROW! The sign was unfurled yet again, the game was just finishing up, and USA had just crushed the Chinese by over 50 points. As the players were about to exit I made my way to the guardrail above where all the press cameras were. This is also where the athletes exit the stadium. I let the sign out over the guardrail, and it took nearly 10 minutes for Chinese security to see it. In the meantime cameras from CCTV, CBC, and other organizations all took pictures of the sign. NBC refused as I kept yelling at them, "C'mon NBC, take a picture, it's an election year."

The best part was that as the American athletes were exiting a few of them looked up to see my sign and they loved it. Cappie Pondexter (#4), pointed at it, smiled and mouthed what I think was "hell yeah!"
Tina Thompson (#11) saw it, gave me a point, a smile, a head nod, and a fist pump. That was pretty nice, gave me a very satisfying ripple of shivers up and down my spine.

That's when the authorities found me. I saw two officials from a distance pointing at me, they approached quickly, I handed my camera off to a nice Chinese man who fricking LOVED my sign.

"It is forbidden, no photo," the olympic representative said, but it was too late. I didn't want to give up my sign so, I folded it up and headed back to my seat.

"It is forbidden," they kept yelling at me, but I just walked away like I had done nothing wrong.
I put the folded map back in my bag.

"No, no, you can not have that sign" he repeated, he was holding his hand out, asking for my sign.

I pulled it out. "But I need the map," I said. "I need the map, I don't understand Beijing's subway, I need the map." This really confused them, the guy harassing me spoke little English, and I just kept speaking very quickly trying to confuse him further.

He grabbed my map-sign and said "Wait here." Damn it, he was walking off with my map and heading in the direction of what I assumed was his superiors.

What was going to happen now. Was I in trouble, would I get thrown out? Deported, detained, who knows, this is China after all.

He returned with my sign. "It is forbidden," he repeated, "please put away, if you take it out again, I will take it away."

He handed the sign back to me, I put it back in my bag.

I said "Thank you," and he shook my hand.

"Enjoy the game," he said, and I did.

Beijing is a River

Enough with the rain already, OK God!?! Jeez, we get it already.

A mere hour ago I was a mess. I was angry, depressed, and alone; getting soaked in a vicious thunderstorm, walking home from the Olympic Stadium empty handed in my attempt to find some swimming tickets.

Then I got word that some had just become available online. Miraculously after pantomiming "internet" to dozens of drenched Chinese, I found an internet cafe and I scored 4 swimming tickets and one women's basketball for tomorrow before the window of opportunity slammed shut.

B-ball is USA v CHINA and you know what that means. I'm breaking out the sign folks! Chinese bans on protest be damned.
That's from the World Cup in Germany 06, this time I'm updating it for the Olympics.

USA out of Iraq and into the Medal Round!

Now it's time to wrap some paper bags around my feet and head out down the Hutong-River-Alley to the bar where I plan to watch Kobe, LeBron, and the American boys take on Yao Ming and the Chinese! Go USA!

(P.S. Ticketing in Beijing SUCKS. It's pathetic, embarrassing, elitist, ineffective and ARGHHH!!!! So angry!! The stadiums are empty and it's really frustrating and sad! It's so hard to get tickets for so many, but then for 15 minutes online you can get tickets for the next day!! I could go on forever, gotta go get drenched!!)

Beijing is off and running!

Now that the pomp is over, let the games begin! Who likes cycling through heavy smog?!?

Quit yer whining! Do it anyway, and don't stop until you get to the Great Wall of China.

I don't want to spoil the Opening Ceremonies for you, if you hear anyone talking about the torch lighting, cover your ears and sing "Almost Paradise." It doesn't quite top Barcelona's flaming arrow, but it's really creative and spectacular. You had to know Zhang Yimou wasn't going to disappoint.

Now the important stuff: I'll tell ya what athlete hotties to watch for. The flag bearer from Jordan has a killer smile (Zeina Shaban), and the ladies were quite smitten with the dancing Kenyan men. The Danish top the Swedes this year in best Nordic looks, and I give the sexiest nation prize to Italy barely edging out Brazil, but I'm extremely biased.

Kobe and Federer were the favorites of the Chinese.

In this day and age it's really pathetic and embarrassing when a nation doesn't send any women athletes. Qatar, knock it off already, Muhammad didn't say shit about having women in the Olympics. India, really, first of all, if you're the second largest nation in the world, train some frickin athletes already, and no women AT ALL!!! Even your extremely poor neighbor Bangladesh has women athletes and they have to live in a country patrolled by a brutal, fundamental, and radical Islamic police force. For shame India.

Be prepared for a really long march of nations, I miss the days when the Soviet Union and Yugoslavia would save us at least 30 nations. The UN has let this idea of the modern nation state get out hand. Who has ever heard of this country called the Youcrain? Also look for the expression on Hu Jingtao's face when "Chinese Taipei" walks in, it's worse than the scowl Bush gave Iran back in Salt Lake. The real reason Tibet, Xinjiang, Taiwan, and Hong Kong will never be free and independent is that the Olympic Committee is worried it could take up to 5 hours to get through a march of nations if China can't hold it all together.

Bed Bath and Beijing

It's a controversial title, Bed Bath and Beijing, mainly because my host Erika hates it. However she can't deny it got the most laughs at the bar the other night. A bar called"BED" no less.

A bar called BED seemed really appealing when creeping wearily into the wee hours, but it didn't live up to it's title. It was like the movie There Will Be Blood, should've been There Might Be Blood or There Could Be Blood, but there wasn't all that much blood. BED had no actual beds, just pillows, which would be fine for a bar called PILLOW, I reckon a trendy little bar named PILLOW could do plenty of business. However this place didn't even have sexy lay around kind of pillows, so I had to pass out sitting up. Some bed!?#!

I've been in Beijing a week now, and honestly I've really enjoyed being unemployed and lazy. Some days I go out and do stuff, other days I sit around and eat all of Erika's Lady Crisps. They're made for a woman, but tasty enough for a man, even the Blueberry Potato Chips are growing on me.

(10 Days later)
Wow, that post went nowhere fast, no wonder I neglected it so long. Maybe a picture will help.

Short and Sloppy

I was a little worried when I got to Beijing. After all I went directly from the gorgeous mountains of Yanghou (pictured above), to the smoggy streets of Beijing.
See that little ball of fire, they call that the sun! You can't see it because of all that sweet delicious heavy pollution. There have actually been some beautiful days though, like when Erika and I went to the Summer Palace, that was amazing! The skies were clear and blue, there was a nice breeze and we had drinks (that I mixed and froze the night before, classic) on a paddle boat with an ipod and speakers taped to the bow. We listened to Radiohead and Peter Cetera, cause Erika knows what kind of mix I like.

Right now, I'm not ill enough to write a whole lot. I'm gonna go pick up my Olympic Tickets. I can't wait to see my favorite sport TEAM HANDBALL! Tomorrow I'm gonna hit The Great Wall, hopefully I'll reinjure my ankle, then the blog will be huge!

Despite my early misgivings about Beijing, I'm having tons of fun. Luckily for me this town is littered with American Expats who speak Mandarin, so I'm not totally lost. In my attempts to make new friends, I'm gonna buy a Chinese Cell Phone, because as always, I'm trying to be popular.

Stay tuned for a fancy new blog post in the works.

Duck Blood Vinegar Kidney Soup for the Soul

I'm injured again damn it. Which is good if you're a fan of this blog, because when I'm feeling bad it's much easier to sit in an internet cafe and compose a new posting.
These nice ladies may seem innocent enough, but they are the reason I'm hobbled right now with a fat ankle. They are the women of the Yao minority in Southwest China and they patrol the eastern bank of the Long Ji rice terraces commonly known as "The Dragon's Backbone." Few are able to escape their grasp without buying something or witnessing a long hair showing with photo (only 5 Chinese Yuan=80 cents).
I was trying to walk to my favorite lake in Long Ji for a swim when I was accosted by an especially agressive woman who followed me for nearly a kilometer with a basket full of trinkets. I said no in every possible way I could think of-- "Bu", "Bu ke Qi" meaning "no, no thank you" and finally "wo bu yao kan chang fa" which means "please keep your long hair on your head, I don't need a photo!" She wouldn't give up and she left me with only three options. 1. Buy some crap, or watch a hair show. 2. Push her off the cliff. 3. Run!

I decided to run, she came running after me. My legs are long, but she knew the cliffside stone pathways much better and was able to keep up, so I broke out into a full sprint. I managed to lose her, but I also lost my footing and rolled my ankle. The right ankle, that gets hurt every 6 months or so. So now I'm grounded in the ridiculously picturesque city of Yangshou.

Pretty isn't it? The finest Karst Towers I've seen so far. This photo was taken just outside of Yangshou on the edge of a mountain. Now it's been over a week since I've written, here's how I got into China.
I met some Chinese dudes on the bus from Hanoi to China. We had a fantastic conversation about freedom and Chinese politics and Tibet and the Olympics, but then I thought "I better shut up before we hit the border, if I piss someone on this bus off, then could turn me in at the border." The land crossing into had me extremely nervous. They searched me and riffled through my stuff, even read some of my journal. When I reached the 4th level of security clearance the border guard stopped me, she looked at me a dozen times, then back at my passport. I just kept smiling. She called her superior, he looked the Visa over, looked at me and then whispered the two syllables that filled me with joy and relief. "OK" he said!

I was in! The scenery was spectacular and the roads were fantastic! After Vietnam it was like crossing from Mexico to America. China is much more modern than I expected. Not only that, but now I had Chinese friends! Look at those guys, they look like fun right? They took me all over the city of Guilin, doing China the way the Chinese do. Nasty! I ate some really disgusting food including this superb dish known as Duck Blood Vinegar Kidney Soup.

It came with a side of pork spleen! I acted like it was fine, I'm adventurous right? But it was was slimy, spongey, bone crunchy, bloody, and largely devoid of any distinctive taste. All texture, no flavor. Still I was extremely grateful for my Chinese friends especially Tsai, who really showed me around Guilin. The drinking was much more fun than the eating, and the drinking games destroyed my will to live. Please Tsai, tell me you were kidding when you said that skewer was made of pig's penis.

After Guilin I headed south to Yangshou.

Check out the wild mountain goats! I spent the night in an old converted farm house, and the next morning I went on a bike ride with a nice British young woman named Charlotte, she and I biked across these fields and hiked up the side of a mountain and met these nice goats, who didn't trust us one bit. Later that day I headed into town and opened my wallet for a piece of water theatre directed by the brilliant Zhang Yimou (Hero, Raise the Red Lantern, House of Flying Daggers)The show was called Impression Liu Sanjie and it was by far the most impressive spectacle I've ever seen. I have no idea what the show was about or if there was a plot at all, but who the hell cares. Zhang Yimou knows how to blow your eyeballs out with color, I can't wait to see what what he does with the Opening Ceremonies. The whole show was done, ON THE RIVER, with over 600 performers and a boat load of boats. It was like Cirque Du Soliel without all the bullshit. My camera is not very good at night, trust me though, it was incredible, they even lit up the surrounding mountains!

After indulging in the rich beauty of Yangshou, I headed to the Rice Terraces of Long Ji, I met this Phillipino dude named J.P. He had perfect English (I'm so jealous of these multiligual bastards) with a New York accent. Cool guy, we expored the terraces and he headed back to Yanghou.
Then I met some British Trinidadians and we headed to the next village which was 4 hours away. No restaurants, no tourists, and no whiteys. A nice woman from the village offered to cook us dinner.

That's Lauren, Coral, and Holly above. The dinner was amazing, I didn't want the nice Yao villager to chop up that hanging piece of pork (I hope it was pork!) but she did and it was delicious. The Brits thought I was really funny. I broke out my A-Game material. "What's the difference between the Yao and Zhuang Minority? The Yao are all like 'Excuse me sir, would you like to see me take down my hair?' and the Zhuang are all like "Yo, Whitey! Hold up homes. Wanna check my hair or what?" Ah, ethnic/racist humor in China, gets em every time.

To top off the day, I found a basketball court on the side of the rice terraces.

Notice that I am a full foot taller than these guys. I had a dozen blocks and scored at will. It was really satisfying, and I don't care if half of them were barefoot. It was time to school some fools.

The Olympics are almost here and I'm headed to Beijing, next time I write I'll be in the care of the illustrious Erika Kuever.

DAMN YOU SCORPION LIQUOR!!!

There's a scorpion in this liquor! What you want me to take some shots with you, you're paying? Yeah sure, what could go wrong?

Cheers, Gung! I don't wanna be rude right?

Mmm, the sweet taste of scorpion.

Ungghh Ngyueynnngg! Oh God. What? You want me to take a few more? OK, Ok. Time to go back to my room. Wait there's a lady in the tiles in my shower. How you doing? Hey lady, do you know why there are so many caves in Halong Bay? Because the fishermen got mad at the monkeys for eating the fish and threw them against the cliffs. That's where the caves come from lady, I can't be wrong, I'm full of scorpion liquor. You are the prettiest tile lady I've ever seen. Do you know why there are so many caves in Halong Bay? Monkeys! Yep.

Next day: Rendered futile! Excruciating pain! There's a goddamn scorpion in my stomach.

This is the worst stomach pain I've ever had. It feels like someone stabs me in the gut every 3 minutes. Then it goes away. Ah that's better. STAB!!! Ouch, Damn, AHHH. Oh it's gone now, boy that wasn't a big deal, just better not have anymore Scorpohol. STAB!!! Ahhhh!!!! Damn it! I got to get out of Nam. Damn you Scorpion Liquor!

Plane-Taxi-Taxi-Scooter-Bus-Taxi-Bus-Boat-Bus-Boat to Paradise

Thus with imagined wing our swift scene flies in motion of no less celerity than that of thought!


Suppose that you have seen, an American traveller alone admist the nations his homeland had once sought to conquer a mere generation before. Play with your fancies and in them behold a man: ravaged by the river and jungle as he crosses the sweltering tarmac holding due course for Hanoi. Follow, follow, and from a balcony high above the burgeoning city, hear the shrill whistles of motorbikes and grapple with the bellowing of a western stomach too weak for scorpohol.

(I had Henry V on the mind) On the plane from Luang Prabang to Hanoi I met a young Australian who goes by the name of "Ang", Angela is two syllables too long for this busy young lady. "Oh no, not an Australian" you may be thinking?!? The young men of that former prison nation have given the Aussies a bad name, being constantly "on the piss," and as obnoxious as a crocodile hunter at a bachelor party. The girls are quite a different story: Ang just got her PHD in agriculture and was managing a sheep farm in Tasmania whilst getting her doctorate with an emphasis in carrot reproduction. Oh yeah? Well I'm a comedian who worked in a gynecology clinic, beat that!


She's doing a bit of travelling before returning to "Tassie" to make the world safe for carrot sex. She's quite smart and has an ambitious sense of adventure. We both have no clue of what to do in Hanoi, or how to get to Halong Bay (paradise).


Hanoi is the craziest city I have ever seen. It makes New York, Bangkok, Rome, Los Angeles, Naples, Barcelona look like quaint little villages. The streets are jam packed with motorbikes and buses and taxis and rickshaws and bicycles and vendors and people, so many people! There's no room on sidewalks for pedestrians so we all just dodge each other on the street like an apocolyptic game of Frogger (TM) on warp speed. Perhaps coming from Laos, I wasn't ready for the culture shock. Laos is so laid back, and Vietnam is apparently extremely pushy, when it comes to the tourist industry. You can't go three feet before being accosted by a motorbike and a kid with gum and a lady with fruit and shop keeper that knows you secretly want to rock that Ho Chi Mihn look with the Commie cap and the socialist red star. It's tremedously annoying, and of course there's trash everywhere.

Must get out of this place! Must get to Halong. Must see beautiful Limestone cliffs and Karst Towers. No I DON'T NEED A MOTORBIKE!!!
The destination was Cat Ba island. Now there are at least 300,000 different places in Hanoi that will sell you a package tour to Cat Ba island and Halong Bay. But I am no mere Tourist! I will not be packaged with the masses, and neither will Ang, we're gonna get to Halong Bay the old fashioned way! By taking a taxi, then a scooter, then a bus, then a taxi, then a bus, then a boat, then a bus. It ended up costing a whole lot, but at least we were the only white people on this particular mission, it makes you feel a lot more daring when you're the only Westerner. Cat Ba island was the same, I don't know where they take the whiteys actually, must be some special island resort. We booked a boat (that was three times as expensive as we expected, damn these Vietnamese are clever are getting your money) and headed out.


Nothing crazy happened this time, no head cracking, or stomach thwacking, or machete incidents; just pure relaxing beautiful fun. Here's a list of amazing things we saw.

-An endless maze of islands and dramatic Karst Towers
-Fishing villages
-Secluded beachs
-Caves
-Tunnels that lead under mountains to hidden lagoons
-Hawks sailing above the hills
-Jumping schools of fish
-Jellyfish
-Trash (lots of floating plastic near some of the fishing areas)
-Yellow and Black stripey fish that you could see while snorkelling
-Thunderstorms that lit up the sky and water and literally shook the boat
-A full moon that was bright enough to eat dinner by
-Phosphorescents in the evening water
-Ridiculously heavy rainstorms (the sun came out for no more than a few hours, but the water and the temperature were always warm)

Our guides were very nice, and amazing cooks, the meals were the best part. Fresh crab and pineapple squid salad were the favorites, with a special mention to the crispy baby black fishes and buttery morning glory.

That was great, really great, but I honestly don't think I'll ever intentionally return to Nam again. One tour was enough, plus now I get to say:

"Look, I didn't go to Viet-frickin-Nam, just so you damn hippies can burn a flag."