99 degrees in L.A. Today a new record. Global Toastification has begun!

My dear friend and greatest enemy Ryan K Dobosh has been corresponding with his republican mother over email and the debate has gotten ugly. They have both been sending each other hyper partisan spamails. Usually liberals and conservatives send these messages to all their like minded buddies. But occasionally one of these fact grenades (trademark) gets thrown across party lines. The rhetoric is so powerful that it can even destroy the bond between a mother and her son.

I'll respond "in quotations since bold and italics are being Assholes right now!"
What good is that?

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Perspective; Little known facts.

"Facts are good! Perspective; in this sense, seems abstract, especially when followed by a semi-colon!"

Some claim President Bush shouldn't have started this war. They complain about his execution of it. One liberal recently claimed Bush was the worst president in U.S history.

"Some consists of 50% and growing of the American public, and the overwhelming majority of the rest of the world. That's a lot of people. His execution of it has been poor. And there isn't one true liberal in the world who wouldn't agree with that statement. Although Millard K.K.K. Fillmore was a unprecedented tyrant!"

President Bush did NOT start the war on terror it was started by terrorists BEFORE 9/11.

"A yes, technically the war on terror was not started by the terrorists, they started the war on non- head-dress-wearing-folks decades ago, but I doubt they would call it the war on terror. I mean if they started the war they should get to name it, right?!"

Let's look at the "worst" president and mismanagement claims.

"Whoa! The fact grenade (TM) just used quotations, that wasn't me editorializing!"

FDR led us into World War II. Germany never attacked us: Japan did.

"Where to start. Uh . . . OK. We actually did go to war with both Japan and Germany, they were allies! Italy too! FDR wasn't content with only going after one part of the axis, what a dirty warwonger!"

From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost an average of 112,500 per year.

"That's a lot of dead people! Damn you FDeathR!"

Truman finished that war and started the Korean War North Korea never attacked us.
From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost an average of 18,333 per year.

"How dare Truman finish that war, he should have let FrankDR rap that thing up. Starting the Korean thing was indeed unsuccessful, but at least he didn't lose 112,500 people a year like FDReaper!"

John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.

"Wrong! The Viet-Mihn started the conflict when they attacked the French!"

Vietnam never attacked us.

"But is planning to now!"

Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire.

"When quagmiring a Vietnam, its best to peel off the skin before seasoning, everyone and their mother knows the quagmire recipe, I don't know if LButtfatJohnson deserves full credit!"

From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost an average of 5,800 per year.

"Still better than FudgepackinDR with his 100,000 a year dead!"

Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent.

"Not one soldier died in Bosnia, but still, he should have talked to the UN/French Axis of terror-lovers!"

Bosnia never attacked us.

"Clinton went into Bosnia to break up a fight, and for some hot ethnic Albanian poontang!"

He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing.

"I've heard that a lot, and I'm pretty sure that it is indeed a relevant criticism of William."

Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.

"Fact!"

Over 2,900 lives lost on 9/11.

"Fact again!"

In the two years since terrorists attacked us, President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Lybia, Iran and North Korea without firing a shot, captured a terrorist who slaughtered at least 300,000 of his own people.

"Bush has been busy, certainly."

We lost 600 soldiers, an average of 300 a year.

"Best president ever!"

Bush did all this abroad while not allowing another terrorist attack at home.

"Except for the D.C. sniper, which I count as a terrorist!"

Worst president in history?

"No, with only 300 dead a year and a U.S. contolled military state in Iraq, a country controlled by Taliban-like warlords in Afghanistan. He's the best president in History!"

Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking, but... It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Dravidian compound. That was a 51 day operation.

"Republicans have recently been embracing the Branch Davidians again. Unsettling. The war in Iraq is not over, just because you get a Saddam statue to fall on the Sunday morning TV shows does not mean that the Iraqis are going to embracing American tanks patrolling their streets!"

We've been looking for evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.

"Zing!"

It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.

"Boring!"

It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!

"OK, that was a pithy one, especially with the quad-exclamation at the end, I'm going to take my one ! and times it by two. After that dear sir, would you be so kind as to Double It!!!!"

Our military is GREAT! PASS IT ON

"That is very positive, everyone loves the troops, but Rumsfeld is not a fully reasonable or in any way a successful war commander and Bush should have been riding his ass, making sure the war was going favorably!"

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Now, dear readers, would you kindly tell me, how am I supposed to respond to this SHIT?

Seriously though, what should I say? Best response wins a *prize!

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Well Ryan K Dobosh, I think you threw the first stone with your Bush Bashing Fact Grenade TM and now you've got to clean up the mess. I would recommend sending her the email back, and agreeing with her whole heartedly! FDR was the biggest Nazi of them all (excluding Millard "kill the darkies" Fillmore) and Bush is the best. Tell her that the email swayed you to thinking Bush was now only the 6th worst president of all time.

* * * *
Worst Presidents Top 10

10. George Washington -owned slaves
9. Ulysess S. Grant -killed Southerners
8. Andrew Jackson -all of the above
7. Jimmy Carter -being a wimp
6. George W. Bush -liberated Iraq and Afghanistan with ease
5. JFK -started Vietnam
4. LBJ -quagmired the Vietnam
3. Bill Clinton -got his dick sucked in the Oval Office, and refused Sudanese Osama head cheese
2. FDR -attacked Germany, when Japan attacked us, lost 120,000 Americans a year
1. Millard Fillmore -admitted California to the Union

Finally! My computer is infected and it rarely ever allows me access to the internet. Somehow I've broken through the dismantling spyware and now I can write a little blog (even if I can't check my email).

I paid $2.20/gallon at the pump yesterday. That's by far the most I've ever paid. Didn't we just take over a country with the second largest oil reserves in the world? While I'm sure a free and democratic Iraq will bring peace and stability to the world, when are we gonna get the the War on Terror discount at Texaco?

Actually the world would be a whole lot better off if gasoline cost $5.00/gallon. There is no single greater threat to the earth's ecosystem and mankind than the automobile. If gas taxes weren't a political mine field, we could use those revenues to fund the development of cleaner renewable energy sources, but that may not happen within my lifetime.

America is slowly coming around though, sales of the 11 miles a gallon Hummer have plummeted despite an expensive and aggressive ad campaign. While sales of the 50 miles a gallon hybrid Prius have skyrocketed while running virtually no television ads. I hate to say it, but Al Gore was right.

The only way to change people's behavior is to raise gas prices.

Of course America loves its cars, but the greatest danger to the earth lies on another continent altogether. China's automobile sales have taken off in the past few years, and successful urban Chinese families have begun to move to the suburbs to commute to work. If China's development mirrors the United States we're screwed. Greenhouse gases will multiply exponentially and the the world's resources will be stretched to the breaking point. Its bad enough that we have to compete for the hearts and minds of the oil rich Middle East. Now the Chinese are going to move in on our tumultuous territory, just so they can drive their SUVs to the mini-marts.

World War 3 will not be the West versus the Muslim World, it will be the East and the West fighting for control of the Muslim World. The kind of three headed monster that will make the Islam/Jewish/Christian conflict seem like a simpler, gentler time.
I have the policy ideas to save the world, but in the meantime I'll just walk to work.

Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa.

For more than two monthes now I have neglected my thick creamy blog. The liquid and solids have seperated and the contents have grown rancid in the California sun.

My excuse?

Laziness.

Which is never an excuse. All I can do is promise vigilance in the face of overwhelming apathy and sleepiness. Forgive me blog, (and more importantly forgive me Ryan) for I have sinned.

Amen

Happy New Year everybody. Did you have a good 2003? Boy that one sure flew by fast.

The final days of the year are always a manic dash to obtain or create the ultimate New Year's Eve plans. Must party. If you can not party on New Year's Eve you do not deserve to live. Even your parents are partying tonight, with their own parents no less. Grandma's are sippin champagne, The Amish are dancing, Hare Krishna's are giving away books for free, and Mormon husbands are slipping their wives non-herbal teas. Don't do it Brigham Young, the caffeine will kill her!

Oh yeah, I got out there baby, I've got "born to party" shaved into my chest hair.

Actually that night, and the days before, I didn't really feel much like going out. The only thing that maintained my mission to mix it up, was my fear that someone would find out that I did absolutely nothing and forever label me "uncool." Instead of yearning to DO something, I would just feel relieved if I could SAY I did something.

This little piece of small talk inquiry is usually bullshit anyways. When someone asks you, "So what did you do for New Year's?" they're just setting themselves up so they can tell you about their fabulous time. Imagine if the conversation went like this:

"So what'd you do for new year's Mark?"

"I went to a party at an old brewery."

"That's cool, hey I gotta go, see ya Mark." That would FREAK ME OUT! Where's the obligatory- "Oh, well my friend Stacy and I went to this party at this mansion in the Hollywood Hills it was so cool, bla, bla, bla"? I always feel like the new year's chit chat is actually a contest in coolness, or its a way of probing acquaintances to check their hipness on the New Year Barometer.

"So you stayed home and watched Catch Me If You Can?" I now have serious reservations about hanging out with that girl ever again. The energy and pathos of loneliness is electrically harnessed and then amplified by 10 foot tall holiday speakers. 10 years ago, I remember just before the clock struck 1994, I was burying my head in my pillow watching TV, wondering why my precious Heather hadn't returned my phone calls. I was sure that from now on Dick Clark would be my dusty static New Year's kiss, that ringing in the New Year was indicative of the misery to come. It actually turned out to be a great year.

I rang in 2004 in a parking lot, waiting in line for a party I had already been in, but it was now too crowded to re-enter. Inside the party I heard people counting down 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Yeah! I looked at my watch and realized that they were more than three minutes early, just cause some drunk guy decided to start counting down, loudly.

The parties I did attend that night were pretty damn good though. One room had live bands and a trampoline. Nostalgic and dangerous, that's how I like to do it. The secondary party which functioned like an UN tent for 2003 refugees was actually more fun than the main bash. They were playing oxymoronic 80s-funk-techno that had the place jumping. Even the too cool for school pretty boys were boppin their heads, with their lacquered-down-in-the-front-dyed-black-spiky-in-the-back-hair-dos bouncing out of time with the beat.

So how do you feel about me now? I was living it up. Check these stats baby: Two parties in a hip part of LA, one was huge with a trampoline and bands (2 cool points), the other more laid back with a DJ (3 cool points), I spent the final ticks in a parking lot (minus 2 points), I kissed a cute stranger on the cheek (plus 1), and kissed an ugly one on the lips (minus 3), the party had hardly any mesh trucker hats (plus 1), but did have those plenty of those stupid 80's glam rock haircuts (minus 1), which I made fun of to my advantage (plus 1), I only had two drinks (minus 2), I was the designated driver (plus 3), and then I wrote all about it in my blog (minus 8). So what do you think? Do I pass the New Year's cool test?